Never satisfied.

I swear, the whole time I was home, all I wanted to do was to go back to Platteville. Well, guess what? I’m back in fucking Platteville, and I want to go home.

WTF???

I’ll back track a bit. I remember Serp once mentioning how he really doesn’t have much of a sense of “home.” Home, for him, is basically wherever his computer is. I could easily say it’s about the same for me. Computer, art supplies, and yeah, I’m more or less comfortable. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from bringing tons of shit with me wherever I go, because I have a bad habit of trying to bring everything I could ever conceive myself needing, and I still won’t have what I really need when the time comes. My past in a sense is kept on my computer, files and photos.

I’m not the type that gets really attached to things. For example, little kids often get attached to a certain toy or blanket that they want to have with them everywhere. My brother, his blankie. My little sister, a stuffed horse puppet named Nickers. Me? Yeah, I had a certain blanket that I preferred, but, could I go without it? Yeah. And, I like my new computer a lot, but offer me a better one, let me transfer over my files and I’m good to go. Honestly, I can’t think of something that I’m seriously attached too. Yes, I am a sort of pack rat, there’s plenty of shit I should just throw out that I don’t. But, it’s not like I’m really that attached to it. I just keep it because I think I might need it in the future. I don’t attach much sentimental value on it. There was a question on my senior questionnaire that went something like: What is your most treasured item? I don’t think I even put down an answer, I couldn’t think of anything.

But, well, on the first, my friend gave me a part Siamese kitten and I named her Lei Lei. Lei Lei is now included in my definition of home: computer and Lei Lei. I’ve had plenty of animals in the past: pony, chickens, our family has cats and a dog, too. And even though I’ve had them for far longer than I’ve had Lei Lei, I can honestly say that I’m far more attached to Lei Lei than any of them. Even my pony Specks. I feel, in a sense, like I’m almost betraying Specks by saying that, but it’s true. Why, though?

Because, since the first, Lei Lei has been around me almost constantly. She’s the first animal I’ve owned that has been exclusively mine, and she lived in my room at home over break. Any time I was in my room, which was plenty, Lei Lei was there. At first she was pretty shy, but she warmed up to me. She was there to run around and play with. She’s left scratches all over my hands with her little needle claws. When I slept at night, she crawled in bed next to me or on top of me. A constant presence that I enjoyed.

So, now I’m back in Platteville. The only reason I was able to accept Lei Lei in the first place was because Serp and his housemates kindly agreed to let her stay at their house. And heck, I’m at that house most of the time anyways. But, understandably, Serp etc, seem to be kinda sick of mine and Zach’s constant presence at their house. At the very least, they don’t want us to be sleeping there, and really, there is no longer a comfortable surface for sleeping on.

But now, more than ever, I want to be there. Lei Lei is there. The time when I enjoy her presence the most is at night as I’m getting ready for bed, and once I’m in bed. And, well, that’s when I can’t be around her.

So, I have a strong desire to be at Serp’s house. Diametrically opposed to that is another strong desire to stay as far away from that house as possible. A reason that I probably shouldn’t mention here, but it’s fucking with my mind and emotions badly.

So, I’ve really only been in Platteville for two days, and I want to go home. I need to fucking grow up. I had a perfectly good chance to discuss what I’ve been meaning to discuss with someone for a month now, and couldn’t bring myself to it. At the same time I’m very seriously chasing after what I have no right to chase after, and probably shouldn’t regardless of circumstances.

I can’t wait for when, in one and a half years, I can rent my own apartment where I can be around Lei Lei all the time. Heck, I’m even jealous and afraid that she may get attached to someone else more than me by the end of the semester.

Shit, I don’t know what to do, as I’m running out of safeguards and even others are noticing my shitty mood lately. There’s only so much that being kinda sick can account for, it’s far more than that.

I wish there was a button, a big red button that said “Push in Case of Emergency.” And when you pushed it, everything would be alright. Things would suddenly make sense, and work out right. Of course, I could take this farther to eventually reach the conclusion as to why that wouldn’t be a good thing, but I’m too lazy to do that right now. Ah, well, I should get to sleep or something. Classes start tomorrow.

The snow outside is melting. Most of it's become "snirt" - snow/dirt. It's ugly. This winter has been beautiful so far, except for the few days I've seen snirt outside. Not only that, but it's melting, so I get to see plenty of mud too. Hopefully we'll get a thick layer of beautiful white snow in a few days to cover it all up.

I can't seem to find pomegranates anywhere, I suppose they must be out of season. I'd love to eat a pomegranate right now, but I might have to wait until next fall. I hope not.

Seems to me like everyone has been talking about the upcoming elections for forever. I don't ever remember all the hubbub about candidates and elections starting so soon, but now that it's election year, things are picking up even more. I figure it's time I started paying attention. My mom asked me yesterday if I was going to vote in the primaries, but I don't think I will. I haven't paid nearly enough attention to cast an educated vote.

If I was voting based on looks, Obama would get my vote.

Okay, now that I've got that out of the way... I'm 18 now, so I do plan on exercising my right to vote in the fall. And I want to do more than just "hur de bur, guise, I is 18 so's I's gonna vote because I can." Politics, however, is something I have always steered away from.

HOLY SHIT GUISE, MY INTERNETS JUST DIED ON ME!

Oh...I accidently flipped my wireless switch. D'oh! Anywho...

I'm a non-confrontational type of person. I prefer to avoid conflict, thus, I avoid bringing up highly-debatable topics. Admittedly, my brother and I will have ridiculous arguments until we're both blue in the face and I'll argue almost relentlessly with my mom, but even then I'm not discussing things like politics, religion, and the like. So far, I just generally go along with whatever my parents believe, and it's not particularly hard to float through life without having strong stances on issues. And, for the most part, I'm undecided, I've heard what my parents have to say, I've heard some of the other side too, but rarely enough to make a decision I feel strongly for. Argument, and debate, often seems pointless to me. I've been around during debates of issues, and neither side is willing to back down, so why bother? Eventually, it usually degenerates to the point where each side's argument gets more and more ridiculous. However, most of the arguments I've been present for have been between high schoolers, so that might explain a thing or two.

Nevertheless, after one semester of college, in which I hope I may have gained some maturity, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that it might not be such a bad idea to refine and formulate my opinions to the point where I could argue them with someone else. I'm losing some of my reluctance towards the idea of debating issues. I still prefer to listen, and rarely if ever add my opinions. And it'll be a long time before I ever am comfortable holding a position different from my parents and debating that with them. The influence of authority that they hold is far too strong for me to feel comfortable going up against that.

But even so, maybe this is a sign of more maturity? I've spent a semester in college finding out how immature I really am, but that doesn't mean I haven't gotten anything else out of it other than 3 A's, a B and a C for grades.

There's a lot to be said also for "just doing" things. So many opportunities are missed, I think, because we tend to operate within very narrow confines of what we think is acceptable in society. We have an idea but then we think, "no one will ever go for that." And then someone, somewhere else, has the confidence to go for it and see where it takes them, and they end up somewhere good. And then we hear about their success and think, "I wish I would've done that when I thought of it." Of course, for every success story, I'm sure there are many more failures, but in many cases I'm sure the people still got something out of it.

In other words, I need to stop sitting on my ass in front of the computer thinking about all the things I want or should do, and get out there and do them! I'm going to start with going out to feed animals.

I give up. Honestly, I just give up...on life, or something. I don't know. Really, I don't. It's bothering me, it's be eating away at me for awhile, and I still don't know. I have a hard time even composing my thoughts about this.

The caffeine has me jittery right now too, so that's making it hard to type. >.<

But... I don't know. Seems to be my default answer for things these days. I'm sick of it, I can't stand it. Not knowing, that is. Recently I've come to realize just how impatient I am. I thought I'd developed some sense of patience over my 18 years of living, but maybe not. Or maybe it only extends to my artwork, and I'm not always patient with that either.

Okay, yeah, religion. I was raised basically as a fundamentalist Christian.
But. Good. Lordy. I. Just. Don't. Know. Right. Now. If I really believe it or not. Because... I have a hard time believing in either - a universe with a god and a universe without one. Something deep down inside of me refuses to let go of it, and my thoughts are primarily shaped based on a belief system that includes a god, specifically the God of Christianity. In no way can I just throw that away, nor do I think I should.

I've prayed the prayer of salvation many times. Immediately afterwards, I thought I was saved. But then doubts creep in... and then I don't know. I don't "feel" any different - but should I really expect that? It'd be nice if things were that easy and I would be suddenly flooded with knowledge and understanding of things, but... I wasn't. And I doubt that's the way things really go, or probably should go. But to be able to say I have a personal relationship with God...I have to feel something, right? Right? Feel like I'm being heard, that somehow I'm getting answers...

But then again, I have a hard time making certain things work in my mind, so that I can agree with them. Am I rebellious? Maybe. Okay, for starters, the Bible. Christianity, and the type of fundamental Christianity I associate leads me to believe that the Bible is the holy, written word of God, and is infallible. And that, as a good Christian, I should read my Bible every day. But why? Once you've read a book through (not to say that I've read the whole Bible) should you continue to read and reread it? And then base all your decisions on that one book...there's just something that I don't like about it. I'm having a hard time articulating it. It's something like... what do our individual thoughts and ideas matter then, if we're always going to go back to the Bible and say it said this here?

I've heard sin described as "anything we do that isn't what God wants us to do." This is extended to mean that say, God wanted me to go to Eau Claire, but because I wasn't reading my Bible and praying and maintaining a close relationship with Him, I went to the Twin Cities instead, that would still be sin. I'm sorry, the example may not be the best way of putting it, but that's how I've had it described to me. There's nothing sinful about driving to either Eau Claire or the Twin Cities, but because it wasn't what God wanted, it's sin. To me, however, it seems like such tight control. If I'm supposed to let God micromanage my life, what is the point of having free will? Except to make my life harder by giving me the ability to sin. Yet, at the same time, I'm sure many Christians would disagree with this view of sin. Although, I hear people that I respect in my church talk about how they still battle with sin, and have to pray for forgiveness every day. Is there something I'm missing, that they can do so many things wrong? I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or close to sinless by any Christian standard, but... I don't feel like I need to beg for forgiveness that often. I don't feel the presence of sin in my life to that extent, am I missing something here?

And also, God created us for his enjoyment, pleasure, satisfaction, however you want to say it. Often I hear the reasoning that because of this is why we should obey God. Okay. My initial, selfish reaction is "what about my happiness?" but truthfully, I need to get beyond that. Yet...still, I watched this video in church over the summer. Basically, excerpts from preachers with the words displayed in the screen for clarity, and background music to make it sound all grand and everything. To be honest, it was pretty impressive, might I even say moving for just being sound with white letters on a black background. And yet... what I gathered from it was a feeling of nothingness. I am NOTHING compared to God, therefore, nothing I feel, think, or say matters, except for doing His will to spread his glory. It makes me feel like crap. Furthermore, it almost portrays to me a selfish God. It's all about Him and I am nothing except a pawn to bring him glory, or something like that.

That's probably the first thing that sparked my recent reconsideration of my faith. I haven't been in this much indecision about Christianity since middle school, and this time it's much worse. In middle school they were taboo thoughts that I hardly dared to consider, except maybe to secretly rebel against my parents because I was going through that sulky, cranky teen stage. Well...I'm sort of back to that stage again, since my mom and I have practically been at each others throats since I returned from college. At the same time, if Christianity is truth, it should stand up against scrutiny. In some ways, that's another part of it that shows up sometimes that I hate, that any thoughts otherwise are considered immediately sinful and they must be squashed, while I believe that anything that's worth believing must stand up under intense scrutiny, and if we don't allow anyone to question it, we're doing our faith an injustice. Questioning is good, it allows us to truly figure out what we believe and why. At the same time, it opens up the possibility of coming to the wrong conclusion.

I need a reason to believe the Bible, and it has to be better than "because it is the infallible Word of God, and we know that because it says so." Another reason I've heard are because it's old, and therefore more trustworthy than recent ideas. Both are obviously flawed.

That's only what I can immediately think of now, but I know there's more. On the other hand however, life seems so meaningless without a god and an afterlife. What reason do we have to exist other than to reproduce, so future generations can exist? It's that age-old question again: What is the meaning of life? In this case all I can think of is that we simply need to make the best of what we have to try and be happy. But it still seems bleak and meaningless.

I'm going to die, and at the end of that, there will be nothing. All comes down to nothingness in the end. In fact, it seems inevitable to me that eventually the human species will die out. If time is infinite, and I'm fully inclined to believe that it is, it's quite likely that another species, very much like ourselves, will evolve, maybe even on this same Earth. I can see evolution being possible. With an infinite amount of time, it's possible to for things here to repeat many times, maybe even exactly as they've happened once before.

But still, nothingness. It seems so pointless, like there's nothing to live for. And, if, say, I'm wrong about it, then I have an afterlife to face. Hell, maybe. Even as a Christian I don't believe in the hell of an eternity of fire and damnation, but at the very least, a missed chance for a better glory. (There is evidence in the Bible towards a "second chance" for everyone who did not accept Christ in this life.) And I've heard of evidence out there to support the existence of God. But in their own ways, both truths seem equally inconceivable to me at this point in time.

And it's so frustrating! I was discussing some stuff with Mom earlier and the conversation led to what the Bible says, etc. And I can't tell her that I'm reconsidering all my views...I just can't! I'm not comfortable talking about that with her. In fact, I'm really not comfortable discussing this with anyone. Except for Serp. He's the only person that I've been able to discuss this with him. And probably not the best person to be discussing it with. He's not Christian, but was recently, and in some ways there's conflict of interests involved. At least, I should discuss it with other people too, but there's no one else I'm comfortable discussing it with. Including my boyfriend. In fact, I've been spending an awful lot of time talking to Serp lately. Mainly bitching about being home and how confused I am right now. Honestly, I'm grateful to him for listening and trying to give me advice. Bad thing is, I'm spending so much more time talking to him instead of my boyfriend... However, we've kind of discussed that too, and I really don't feel like posting more about it at the moment.

But this has been eating away at me for awhile. One thing Serp did say to me: "If you're not going to be Christian, don't pretend you are one. If you are going to be a Christian, be a good one."

He has a very valid point. It brings up something else, how even if I do believe in God, etc. I don't want to have to follow the rules. I like the freedom of being able to swear, and do other things without associating it with sin. Maybe I really do lack maturity, or something.

I'm stuck at a crossroads. I've been thinking about it, and I'm considering trying to read the whole Bible through. Then I can have a better idea of exactly what it says, to better make my judgment. I'm a smart person, I should be able to figure things out. Blogging this helps me to sort my thoughts out somewhat, in many ways I have no idea how to go about considering this. I doubt many people will read this, if anyone, but I'm hoping someone might who would post something insightful.

Either way, first rant for my new blog. I've blogged occasionally in the past, but that was a while ago. I've got plenty of time over break, and stuff to rant about too, so probably expect more.