you're a jerk godamnit., you know that/

i'm not just happy as long as your happy, but goddamnit, i want you to be happy with me right now so of course i will be happy shoul yyou be happy with me.

go away, away, away, i can't stand it. you hurt me, so much, and yet i can't give you up. you mean so mcu hto e. how can i let someone who hurts me so much mean so much to me. idon't know how but you do. and should you be happy with e i cwould be happy. not unconditionally happy ,but i would be happier if you could be happy with me.

i don't know how to deal with this. goddamnit, how. how. how.

what do i do?

god.

should not let children that will ultimately doubt their religion be born to mothers who will cry over this.

or he should be more convincing.

just...

damnit.

i was chatting with my mom today and the conversation turned to have you accepted jesus and are you going to get baptized soon? i have, though that's stretching things, as it doesn't really fit with how i currently feel, and that's why i can't get baptized right now. but how can i tell this to my poor mother who responds "breathing" when i ask how she's doing because she's worrying, partly due to my recent car accident? rather, how do i ever tell any of my family, with all the strife it'll cause? but i can't feel right pretending earlier. i need to be convinced, please, oh please, god, show me truth as a christian so i don't make my mother cry.

i'm still not really sure whether leaving home this past summer was a good choice or not. things weren't going well at home, but, when i think about how my family must've felt after that, and also all the things i said i would do but fell short on, i feel kinda horrible. my brother has a really annoying way of expressing it, but i'm pretty sure him ranting at me a while ago about leaving was evidence of him missing me too.

summer feels so distant now, not quite two months and it feels like it was so long ago.

even so, i'm not homesick, i don't miss home. i'm nowheresick. sick of here, sick of there, sick of everywhere and i'm longing for some sort of fantasy land where everything works out the way it's supposed to.

today involved some tears, but, honestly, i do feel a little "better" than i did yesterday. that's good, i think.

blagh. so it's past midnight now, and the past two days i have done....nearly nothing. well, that's not quite true, i did my laundry and cleaned up my room some yesterday. but the rest of my time was spent mindlessly playing harvest moon.

god i love that game. it's so... addicting. i'm pissed, though, too, because they keep coming out with these great ideas, and typically fucking them up with poor game control choices. it's still addicting. just not quite... as satisfying as it could be. i'm waiting for the day they come out with the perfect harvest moon. seems more likely that each new game will be somewhat worse than the one before. T_T

as much as i love harvest moon, spending full days playing feels so unsatisfying and make me feel horrible over a wasted day. but i generally feel horrible right now, and if anything it distracts my mind some. i'm not sure what to make of how i feel right now. i'm tempted to say that, in a sense, i'm over him, but i don't think that's it. it's more of, when i think of him, i feel almost... dead towards him. it's an unsettling, disturbing feeling, that almost makes me feel sick sometimes. it's not a sense of moving on, i certainly don't feel as if i could be interested in anyone else yet. i don't know how to deal with it, i'm not really sure how to move past it, but it bothers me greatly. really, i'm not quite sure what to make of this right now or how to describe it.

i'm finishing a cup of tea and then i'm going to bed. hopefully i'll feel a little better or have a better grip on this in the morning.

blargh.

life seems rather annoying and frustrating and irritating right now. but passably happy. there's things i miss... *sigh* i'm probably reaching for something that isn't there. i know what i want, i know what seems easy and comfortable right now, and i know what i should do. problem is, none of these match up. and it seems like too much effort not to fall into something easy and convenient >.<

little blackie is no more.

i'm currently mourning the death of my car, as i totaled it today. was making a left turn out of a kwik trip onto a busy street, didn't see the car coming and broadsided someone else. once i had tried to imagine what it would be like to hit something with my car. i figured i had a pretty good idea of what it'd be like, think the feeling of watching a movie where everything is calm and serene and then BAM-HOLY-SHIT-WHAT-THE-FUCK! and then, ooooooooooh, shit. if you were still conscious. i was pretty much right, it felt about how i imagined it. i was trying to turn left out of kwik trip parking lot, onto a really busy street. i waited and waited and finally things slowed down. the nearest car (or so i thought) was turning left an intersection ahead of me, so i thought, i have room, i can go, accelerated and them BAM! AIRBAG TO THE FACE! and i was like, holy shit what the hell just happened, i don't believe what i think just happened. first thing i thought was oh god my mouth is numb, i can't feel my mouth...is it still there? it was, thankfully. i broadsided a car, either the car that was turning had blocked her from my sight, or maybe she had just turned from another intersection onto the road, but now my front bumper was laying in pieces across the road and holy shit did what i think happened really just happen?

no one was hurt, except for minor abrasions across my face from the airbag, and i've been told that i'll be hella sore tomorrow. it occured to me sometime later that a few seconds difference and SHE could've broadsided me instead, which would've resulted in far worse injuries on my part. but my car is totaled, and that makes me sad. not just from the inconvenience, but, i might miss that car a little. my parents have had that car since right after i was born, i remember riding with my parents in it so many times and it essentially became my first car. it was old, got bad gas mileage, was stiff, it leaked power steering fluid, and recently has smelled funny a lot, but it was familiar and i really liked it. it's weird, because it's not really that often that i've been attached to things out of familiarity. maybe that is due in part to my family making major moves a few times when i was young, but, generally i'm willing to toss out the old thing in favor of something newer or shinier. my brother still packs his blankie in his pillow case, my sister has a horse puppet that is her favorite toy. i don't really have anything that i was extremely attached to. same thing with houses and surroundings, it's just the initial barrier of making new friends, not the loss of familiar surroundings that might cause me some anxiety about moving. but as far as little blackie goes (that's what we named the car) i have some regret and sadness that stems from the loss of an old, familiar thing instead of just because i lost my car and caused an accident (though there's quite a bit of that too). i'm going to miss driving little blackie, the rip in the driver's seat, the familiar whine of the engine that i never quite knew when it would finally break down, the airbag light that had been flashing for years and no one knew if the airbag really worked (i confirmed today that it, in fact, does work), the stiff pedals and almost painfully slow accerleration at times. little blackie was a beat up old car that was special in spite of the horrible gas mileage in the same sense that that a torn up, stained, and worn childhood toy or blanket is special to some people. really, there's not many things that i feel this way about.

funny that i should get so sentimental about a car :p

oh, and here's what's ironic.

i was actually supposed to turn right to get to where i wanted to. could've easily managed that without hitting anyone :p

i had to go. get the hell out of here. going home would've just been horrible. i had to go and keep going. so i did, and as i was trying to get the hell out of here, i kept running into dead ends. finally found a road to take me out though. and i wanted to go for forever and never come back. or, at least, a couple days. honestly, i wanted to just drive and drive for a couple days, get lost and end up who the hell knows where. i was intentionally trying to get lost, i took plenty of random turns. spent an hour and a half before i ended up in mineral point, by that time i was feeling sort of better, so i decided that i might as well come back, as i have plenty of obligations around here. work and classes and all that...

i feel better now. better, as in i don't feel like complete shit. i just feel dead. i don't want to care, in a way i don't care. i need to get away from all of this, make it go away, yet, i can't stand to just leave things hanging like that. really, i should. i don't want to fucking care about him, or what he thinks, or care if he's being ridiculous. but i do, so... fuck.

i wish we had a big oak or maple tree in our backyard. i want to rake up a large pile of fallen leaves and jump in them. unfortunately, we don't, so i don't have any leaves to rake up.

also, our lawn needs to be mowed again. i call not me. :p even though i didn't do it last time either...

i do want to go hiking before the trees lose all their beautiful leaves this year. better do it soon, if i wait too long, they'll be gone before i know it. fall is like that. one moment, you think, oh, the colors are beautiful, i should take some time to go appreciate them. and then the next the trees are bare, and you're wondering how you missed them yet again. i feel kinda cliche commenting on that. i mean, everyone gets all these emails with a story about how if you don't pay attention to things, they'll be gone before you know it. if you always put something off for tomorrow, sooner or later, it'll be gone, and you'll be like "fuck..."

except those chain emails never say fuck :p

so my version is superior...or something :-/

you can have multiple blogs under one account. i think i might create one to put poems/stories/story ideas into. mostly because i like creating things. and i think i might like to separate it slightly from this one where i mostly baw about my life's troubles and woes.

speaking of which, mai laifu sux, i'm depressed, baw, etc, etc, etc.

just thought i'd reiterate in case i wasn't clear enough already...

i wonder who actually reads this. also, seems as if private feeds do not exist/do not work or some such. annoying.

*sigh*

one thing i never used to do that much, was to discuss anything slightly controversial with anyone. now i'm beginning to do that more and more. unfortunately, i end up discussing these things with...

my mom...

when she's online and i have no one else to talk to...

and...

quickly, i find myself tiptoeing across a sheet of thin ice, having to be oh-so-careful that i don't break through.

it's just... little forays into political issues, or something like that. but, my mom is very christian, and i'm drifting farther away from that, and...

aw, fuck, one of these days i'm just gonna crash through. unless, quick, someone convince me that i should be a hardcore conservative christian.

went to bed early last night, so i got plenty of sleep. woke up this morning feeling pretty depressed. blinds were down, so at 7am it's half dark in my room and i felt like my whole world was half dark, where everything has lost most of it's color and desirability, and at the moment i was just kinda existing, and all i really wanted to do all day was to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. and idly turn thoughts over in my mind, and maybe i'd find something, something other than this empty depression that seems to pervade me at the moment. it doesn't even make sense. i have all sorts of nice things, i like my job, i'm decently intelligent, i have a family that loves me, friends, and all that. hell, i'm even nice looking. a guy at a party the other night said he wanted to tell me i was gorgeous before he left, and at least a couple seemed interested in chatting with me. i've got a nice life but instead of enjoying it, here i am moping around because it all seems pointless and wanting to spend all day in bed staring at the ceiling. it's not even because i'm particularly sad. i'm only 18, i have a whole life ahead of me, and yet at the moment i can only look at it and think, why try...

i always had such a hard time imagining myself going to college, and what my life would be like beyond that when i was younger. occasionally i wondered if that meant i would die before i got too old. haha, what a silly kid. i have no goal. i need some sort of goal, so i can be striving for something i want. but i can't even think of anything i really really want that i can have, so i'm just kinda floating around waiting for something. i don't know...

i just have no motivation. is this what depression is? or am i just making a big deal out of something small...

weirdest thing just happened. so, earlier i was at a small lan party that i had planned on getting back from earlier, well, i got home late, so the door was locked and i didn't have my key on me. and i stood there for awhile ringing the doorbell, hoping to god someone might be home and maybe be awake, but with no luck. i was about to give up and go find someplace else to crash when i thought i'd check the back door, just in case, even though someone usually locks it. i hadn't locked it yesterday after playing outside with lei lei, so i figured i'd give it a shot. well, the back gate was standing wide open, i found that a little odd, entertaining fantasies of robbers and the like, but whatever, i found the back door unlocked, so, thank god i was able to get inside. so i get my stuff inside, i'm putting away groceries and heating up some food, and walk towards the front door, when i hear this sound.

the freakiest damn chill ran down my spine, and then i thought, oh god, a person.

the sound was "meow, meow, meow" and it sounded like a distinctly human imitation of a cat.

the part i find most interesting is that it freaked me out before i even processed the sound enough to think "oh god, there's a person in the house." anyways, i demanded to know who was there, walked around the other way, turned on lights, didn't find anyone. lei lei and creia however, were all poofed up and glaring at each other, hissing and meowing. none of it sounded like what i'd heard before, but it was close enough for me to pass it off as the cats. i thought about checking the basement but instead decided i was too afraid.

seriously, that freaked me the hell out. and i'm still a little freaked out, nervous about shutting off the lights and walking through a dark room. it's weird though, because i don't normally get freaked out about things like this.

and i still think that sound was fucking human. think: mocking, creepy male voice.

"meow, meow, meow."

so lately i've been trying my hand at poetry. i don't really consider myself much of a poet, decent, but most poems i've ever written seem to lack some sort of essence that makes me go "oh, hey, that's a neat poem, i kinda like it." also, i typically come up with two or three lines and spend laborious hours trying to come up with something to add to it. unless i give up rhyming and descend into basically free-form poetry, which involves a lot less skill and becomes mainly an interesting way of putting down my thoughts. it doesn't create the sort of poetry that i would want to show to other people.

lately, however, as none of my story ideas seem to capture my interest, i've been spending my down time working on a poem or two. i've actually completed one, and i think it's not half bad. but, i've rediscovered my escapism into words. if i can busy myself with creating a story line or even just a poem, i generally fall into a far better mood than i have been lately, even if i'm trying to put my current frustrations into a poem form. the effects fade as soon as i start wrenching myself back to reality, but as long as i can escape into words and ideas, i'm okay. not really a good thing i suppose. but it seems like the best way i can deal with things. if i can surround myself with a thought and an idea, sometimes a song that helps put me in the mood, even take a walk outside, and imagine that i'm part of some sort of... romantic? appealing? idea that takes hold of me, play with some sort of fiction in my head, and then i'm okay.

maybe. because i'm not okay. but this gets better, right?

oh, and i'm gonna put my poem in another post, because i think it deserves one of its own :p
EDIT: poem moved to blog for poems and stories