i'm jealous.

really, my brother buying his girlfriend a $250 ring and texting her all the time, my cousin's bringing their boyfriends over for christmas dinner, my friend has her boyfriend on video chat at her party, makes me jealous. i run up against these thoughts of "i miss..." and "i wish..." constantly. it's frustrating. everyone else around me at the moment seems to have someone or is a little kid, so i feel lonely and jealous.

yeah, i'm moping. trying not to too much, i'm home, my family loves me, this is still fun and it's a generally happy time, it's just hovering at the back of my mind.

i want to write something, get lost in a fictional world of my creation. create people and give them snippets of life. i'm in the mood for a warm fuzzily story filled with snow and fireplaces and christmas trees and quiet smiles and twinkling lights and broken things getting fixed.

but i can't right now. i can't seem to devise a story that interests me. i can't separate myself from my characters enough so that it's not just a longing for the thing that i can't have, i can't find the right ending to the story. or the middle or the beginning. they're all too empty, and i don't know what i want.

so i sit and stare and try to find that something but instead i get nothing done.

i'm reaching out for things.

i desire feelings and impressions.

but even when i can grab a hold of these things, the feelings are a pale and unsatisfying. it all seems so much more vivid in my mind. this isn't even what i wanted, but i can't have what i've lost back, and i wonder why i didn't hold onto it more tightly.

i suppose i forgot about what i wanted at the time.

and now i remember but too bad, too late, my fault.

sometimes i think i'd rather curl up with a book instead, and something warm to drink. but i don't know how to find one i'm interested in either.

maybe what i'm looking for doesn't exist.

for moments i feel okay.

and then i blink wrong, and i'm not okay all over again. i'm not okay at all and i'm not sure how to deal with it. it's just...

damnit

fuck

shit

damn

fuckity fuck fuck fuck

when i'm okay, it's a feeling of not liking how things are, but, i'm past that. i'm better, i'm more like who i want to be, the part that leads me into things like that, i'm pretty sure i'm past that. i'm still not who i want to be, and hey, everyone has room for self-improvement, but really, it's just...

damn. god-fucking-damn. T_T

i'm okay, and then in the next moment i want to curl up into a ball.

i want to imagine that i can have a one of those happy love story endings.

where things are horrible for awhile and you are driven apart, but somehow, you get back together and everything is even better.

that i'll be an awesome person and you won't be able to resist me. (haha)

but i've probably destroyed any chance of that. i hate myself, i really do, and that's not inherently bad. as long as i can become a better person out of it instead of wallowing in self-loathing.

but really, i don't know what to do. i have no goal in life, no great desire to do one thing or another. i hurt the person closest to me to the point where he hates me. and i'm probably going to make my parents cry.

sometimes it seems like all i'm going to do by trying to be what i think is a good person is hurt people.

it's snowing outside. the tiny-flaked fluffy kind that falls so softly and piles up on your windshield, but is easily cleared away by your wipers. not the kind that leaves a layer of ice. it's so pretty and right now i feel like the world is a giant soft white cushion that i want to play on. ^.^ it feels warmer somehow, maybe because i don't have to stand outside and scrape the ice off my car.
it's days like these when i like winter and don't mind the cold. waking up to billions of tiny little flakes floating down to earth, covering the ground in a fresh, clean whiteness makes me feel a sort of fuzzily happiness inside.
this has been a horrible semester for the most part, and i have a few classes with iffy grades and tons of stuff i need to do, and other things that i would really like to go right instead of wrong, but right now, for a little bit, i feel all happy and smiley.

=^.^=