this isn't love, baby. i could offer you the moon, but what you'll get is the view from my roof through a haze of street lights. a couple bottles of cheap wine. friendly conversation. maybe some candlelight. a bed that creaks; no one's around to hear anyway. yet the ending will always be the same. this isn't love, baby, this is loneliness.

sometimes i take a look at things, and it's all fine. i read something, digest a little, think about it, think about me, think a little more, and everything's just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall okay. nothing's going particularly well for me right now, but i'm an okay person, i feel good about myself and in a little while i'll be SUPERAWESOMEANDCOOL kind of a neat person, yeah? i've got the basics for this set of skills that i like and i want to develop and refine them and be all sorts of cool, but my problem is i've spent most of my life without putting much effort into learning anything. so i'm not sure where to start. but it's awwwwwwright, i'll get there.

but these are rare little moments that exist like a breath of fresh air. having no real definable goal i feel rather aimless, and have a host of memories that feel tormenting at times, and i'm currently terrified of doing something stupid. i have packrat tendencies that make me want to hold on to everything, but at the same time, i feel the urge to delete a lot of things. "erase" them. i haven't decided if i want to start over with a new blog or not, because i hate part of the past this one embodies. and i feel like i've been fairly immature and juvenile in the past.

graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah....

little bits of impression-y things, using the first words that come to mind.

i have a general idea of who i want to be, but i haven't dug deep enough into the generalizations to find the specifics. confident, bold, fresh-faced, unique, creative, honest, full. full of everything - energy, happiness, sadness, will, living. youthful. sometimes i find this image close to the image that some companies are trying to put forward today - clean, fresh-faced, youthful, innovative; but that's not what i want. underneath it seems empty. and that's my problem. i feel like i'm pulling back facades and finding that everything is empty underneath. i'm looking for some sort of fullness and finding emptiness. i think i'm looking at things wrong.

i decided one day that i didn't want to be simple. but i didn't want to be confusing either. i want to be clear, but complex. like an intricate metal-wrought filigree. but a little dust in some corners, a few edges unfinished. anything that's too clean and perfect is an illusion.

i am hazy and uncertain. the generals are there, but i'm having a hard time with the specifics. i have all these things that i like, but i haven't figured out what i want to do with them yet :-/

so tonight a couple of my friends graduated and stuff, and as i watched the graduation ceremony, i recalled graduating myself and how i felt. i was excited about getting out of high school and going on to something new, college, with a greater degree of independence. but when i remember all this, there is this disconnect from the feelings in the memories and who i am today. it seems so far away, so long ago, and it's only been two years. i look back on it and i see this girl - i know her, she's me, but so much has changed that she's more like a distant memory. sometimes i'm not quite sure whether i've grown out of her, or betrayed myself. little bits of both, i suppose.

i can't write, i can't think, i can't draw, i just...

grah! i want to throw things. and break them. glass things that shatter into tiny little pieces.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

assorted thoughts: fun-sized, just like a bag of candy.

how presumptuous it is of me to presume that i, with all my human error, may be capable of discerning right and wrong. am i not foolish in thinking that i may challenge the authority presented to me, even if it is god? should i not blindly follow as i am instructed, for it may be beyond my ability to understand? but if i cannot do that, do i have reason to even trust that i am understanding and interpreting correctly what i have been told?

we are told that we are sheep. should we simply continue to be sheep? maybe the kind and gentle shepherd is leading us to our deaths. should we not question him, because we are only sheep?

blind faith may be useful, even helpful at times. but we can say the same of deceit, cheating and a host of other things. it does not make it good. with blind faith we give ourselves up to chance. the blind man may get lucky, but that does not mean he can see.

i can still have confidence while being open to the idea that i may be wrong.

i've been standing over a threshold for a while now, one foot inside the door and one foot outside. every once in a while i stick my head all the way outside, and truly take a look at the world from that perspective. there's a part of me, a core made of habits and defaults, that violently recoils, pulling me back and telling me that i can't do that. it's at these moments i realize just how much those ideas are ingrained into my life. it's warm and familiar inside, maybe i should just go back in and shut the door. but i fear the foundation might be weak and rotten, i'm finding mold and mildew in places i hadn't noticed before. i'm sick of standing over the threshold, but moving either way is quite frightening, too.

so i changed my mind, because i'm indecisive and figured out what i think is a better way of doing this. i deleted the blog off the other account, and grabbed the address with this one. so the address is now what it was originally and i'm probably going to confuse people and such. but i think i'll continue to post angsty stuff here, and probably random neat things to my wanderingloli address. or something... i'm not sure yet :p

sometimes i wonder if i maybe already dried up all my tears. i'm very upset, i feel like crying, but sometimes i also just feel kinda dead. i can just push it all back, and go to sleep, or something. not think. but i don't like that feeling either, and so sometimes, i try harder to cry. because i want to cry and scream and yell and hit things and throw things because i'm upset, and frustrated, and i don't know what to do, and i feel trapped, and all that happens is some tears and a lot of shaking. and sometimes i'm pretty sure i could just stop it, and sit there without doing anything.

i want to cry and scream and shout and hit things and throw them and say whatever it is that comes to my mind just to have it be said, even if my only audience is an empty room.

more often i shake and cry some and out come little hesistant sentence fragments.

i'm upset, goddamnit, i don't know what to do. i feel the urge to burst outward, but my nature is to pull in all inward.

one day i'll snap and then BAM!

shitfuckhellgoddamnitwhythefuckamiinthissituationihatethisandi'msosorry

so i've been playing around with the windows 7 beta. it has a cute ui, similar to vista but cuter. when i first saw screenshots i thought [god, i like the look of vista better, they did it all wrong] but after playing around with it, i really like it, especially the little icons on the taskbar. (i very dislike the little square box that pops up to show the hidden icons in the system tray, it looks out of place.)HOLYFUCKINGWHATTHEHELLHASHAPPENED?!?!?!?!?

they. changed. paint. mspaint. looks. different. omigawd.

it looks very similar to office 2007, but holy shit paint has always been the same, i'm not sure if i like this.

the dresden dolls are fucking amazing. i've been listening to them all day and yesterday too :p

yeah, there's not a lot to do around here. work and class and drinking and computering, i guess.

new year's resolutions:

• build a website (become proficient in html and css)
• get in shape (i'd like to lose 15-25 lbs)
• aim for straight a's this semester (at a minimum, do better than last)
• earn extra money so i can build an awesome super fast computer ^_^

new year's wishes:

• a less angsty year :p
• a happy year for all my friends and family
  
• one that should probably remain unsaid