little bits of impression-y things, using the first words that come to mind.

i have a general idea of who i want to be, but i haven't dug deep enough into the generalizations to find the specifics. confident, bold, fresh-faced, unique, creative, honest, full. full of everything - energy, happiness, sadness, will, living. youthful. sometimes i find this image close to the image that some companies are trying to put forward today - clean, fresh-faced, youthful, innovative; but that's not what i want. underneath it seems empty. and that's my problem. i feel like i'm pulling back facades and finding that everything is empty underneath. i'm looking for some sort of fullness and finding emptiness. i think i'm looking at things wrong.

i decided one day that i didn't want to be simple. but i didn't want to be confusing either. i want to be clear, but complex. like an intricate metal-wrought filigree. but a little dust in some corners, a few edges unfinished. anything that's too clean and perfect is an illusion.

i am hazy and uncertain. the generals are there, but i'm having a hard time with the specifics. i have all these things that i like, but i haven't figured out what i want to do with them yet :-/

so tonight a couple of my friends graduated and stuff, and as i watched the graduation ceremony, i recalled graduating myself and how i felt. i was excited about getting out of high school and going on to something new, college, with a greater degree of independence. but when i remember all this, there is this disconnect from the feelings in the memories and who i am today. it seems so far away, so long ago, and it's only been two years. i look back on it and i see this girl - i know her, she's me, but so much has changed that she's more like a distant memory. sometimes i'm not quite sure whether i've grown out of her, or betrayed myself. little bits of both, i suppose.