Never satisfied.

I swear, the whole time I was home, all I wanted to do was to go back to Platteville. Well, guess what? I’m back in fucking Platteville, and I want to go home.

WTF???

I’ll back track a bit. I remember Serp once mentioning how he really doesn’t have much of a sense of “home.” Home, for him, is basically wherever his computer is. I could easily say it’s about the same for me. Computer, art supplies, and yeah, I’m more or less comfortable. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from bringing tons of shit with me wherever I go, because I have a bad habit of trying to bring everything I could ever conceive myself needing, and I still won’t have what I really need when the time comes. My past in a sense is kept on my computer, files and photos.

I’m not the type that gets really attached to things. For example, little kids often get attached to a certain toy or blanket that they want to have with them everywhere. My brother, his blankie. My little sister, a stuffed horse puppet named Nickers. Me? Yeah, I had a certain blanket that I preferred, but, could I go without it? Yeah. And, I like my new computer a lot, but offer me a better one, let me transfer over my files and I’m good to go. Honestly, I can’t think of something that I’m seriously attached too. Yes, I am a sort of pack rat, there’s plenty of shit I should just throw out that I don’t. But, it’s not like I’m really that attached to it. I just keep it because I think I might need it in the future. I don’t attach much sentimental value on it. There was a question on my senior questionnaire that went something like: What is your most treasured item? I don’t think I even put down an answer, I couldn’t think of anything.

But, well, on the first, my friend gave me a part Siamese kitten and I named her Lei Lei. Lei Lei is now included in my definition of home: computer and Lei Lei. I’ve had plenty of animals in the past: pony, chickens, our family has cats and a dog, too. And even though I’ve had them for far longer than I’ve had Lei Lei, I can honestly say that I’m far more attached to Lei Lei than any of them. Even my pony Specks. I feel, in a sense, like I’m almost betraying Specks by saying that, but it’s true. Why, though?

Because, since the first, Lei Lei has been around me almost constantly. She’s the first animal I’ve owned that has been exclusively mine, and she lived in my room at home over break. Any time I was in my room, which was plenty, Lei Lei was there. At first she was pretty shy, but she warmed up to me. She was there to run around and play with. She’s left scratches all over my hands with her little needle claws. When I slept at night, she crawled in bed next to me or on top of me. A constant presence that I enjoyed.

So, now I’m back in Platteville. The only reason I was able to accept Lei Lei in the first place was because Serp and his housemates kindly agreed to let her stay at their house. And heck, I’m at that house most of the time anyways. But, understandably, Serp etc, seem to be kinda sick of mine and Zach’s constant presence at their house. At the very least, they don’t want us to be sleeping there, and really, there is no longer a comfortable surface for sleeping on.

But now, more than ever, I want to be there. Lei Lei is there. The time when I enjoy her presence the most is at night as I’m getting ready for bed, and once I’m in bed. And, well, that’s when I can’t be around her.

So, I have a strong desire to be at Serp’s house. Diametrically opposed to that is another strong desire to stay as far away from that house as possible. A reason that I probably shouldn’t mention here, but it’s fucking with my mind and emotions badly.

So, I’ve really only been in Platteville for two days, and I want to go home. I need to fucking grow up. I had a perfectly good chance to discuss what I’ve been meaning to discuss with someone for a month now, and couldn’t bring myself to it. At the same time I’m very seriously chasing after what I have no right to chase after, and probably shouldn’t regardless of circumstances.

I can’t wait for when, in one and a half years, I can rent my own apartment where I can be around Lei Lei all the time. Heck, I’m even jealous and afraid that she may get attached to someone else more than me by the end of the semester.

Shit, I don’t know what to do, as I’m running out of safeguards and even others are noticing my shitty mood lately. There’s only so much that being kinda sick can account for, it’s far more than that.

I wish there was a button, a big red button that said “Push in Case of Emergency.” And when you pushed it, everything would be alright. Things would suddenly make sense, and work out right. Of course, I could take this farther to eventually reach the conclusion as to why that wouldn’t be a good thing, but I’m too lazy to do that right now. Ah, well, I should get to sleep or something. Classes start tomorrow.