i'm jealous.

really, my brother buying his girlfriend a $250 ring and texting her all the time, my cousin's bringing their boyfriends over for christmas dinner, my friend has her boyfriend on video chat at her party, makes me jealous. i run up against these thoughts of "i miss..." and "i wish..." constantly. it's frustrating. everyone else around me at the moment seems to have someone or is a little kid, so i feel lonely and jealous.

yeah, i'm moping. trying not to too much, i'm home, my family loves me, this is still fun and it's a generally happy time, it's just hovering at the back of my mind.

i want to write something, get lost in a fictional world of my creation. create people and give them snippets of life. i'm in the mood for a warm fuzzily story filled with snow and fireplaces and christmas trees and quiet smiles and twinkling lights and broken things getting fixed.

but i can't right now. i can't seem to devise a story that interests me. i can't separate myself from my characters enough so that it's not just a longing for the thing that i can't have, i can't find the right ending to the story. or the middle or the beginning. they're all too empty, and i don't know what i want.

so i sit and stare and try to find that something but instead i get nothing done.

i'm reaching out for things.

i desire feelings and impressions.

but even when i can grab a hold of these things, the feelings are a pale and unsatisfying. it all seems so much more vivid in my mind. this isn't even what i wanted, but i can't have what i've lost back, and i wonder why i didn't hold onto it more tightly.

i suppose i forgot about what i wanted at the time.

and now i remember but too bad, too late, my fault.

sometimes i think i'd rather curl up with a book instead, and something warm to drink. but i don't know how to find one i'm interested in either.

maybe what i'm looking for doesn't exist.

for moments i feel okay.

and then i blink wrong, and i'm not okay all over again. i'm not okay at all and i'm not sure how to deal with it. it's just...

damnit

fuck

shit

damn

fuckity fuck fuck fuck

when i'm okay, it's a feeling of not liking how things are, but, i'm past that. i'm better, i'm more like who i want to be, the part that leads me into things like that, i'm pretty sure i'm past that. i'm still not who i want to be, and hey, everyone has room for self-improvement, but really, it's just...

damn. god-fucking-damn. T_T

i'm okay, and then in the next moment i want to curl up into a ball.

i want to imagine that i can have a one of those happy love story endings.

where things are horrible for awhile and you are driven apart, but somehow, you get back together and everything is even better.

that i'll be an awesome person and you won't be able to resist me. (haha)

but i've probably destroyed any chance of that. i hate myself, i really do, and that's not inherently bad. as long as i can become a better person out of it instead of wallowing in self-loathing.

but really, i don't know what to do. i have no goal in life, no great desire to do one thing or another. i hurt the person closest to me to the point where he hates me. and i'm probably going to make my parents cry.

sometimes it seems like all i'm going to do by trying to be what i think is a good person is hurt people.

it's snowing outside. the tiny-flaked fluffy kind that falls so softly and piles up on your windshield, but is easily cleared away by your wipers. not the kind that leaves a layer of ice. it's so pretty and right now i feel like the world is a giant soft white cushion that i want to play on. ^.^ it feels warmer somehow, maybe because i don't have to stand outside and scrape the ice off my car.
it's days like these when i like winter and don't mind the cold. waking up to billions of tiny little flakes floating down to earth, covering the ground in a fresh, clean whiteness makes me feel a sort of fuzzily happiness inside.
this has been a horrible semester for the most part, and i have a few classes with iffy grades and tons of stuff i need to do, and other things that i would really like to go right instead of wrong, but right now, for a little bit, i feel all happy and smiley.

=^.^=

i'm in a mood.

a mood where i can hardly stand to concentrate on anything. i want to stand up, i want to walk around, i want to go home, i want to lay down, or maybe wander around there too, i'm restless. long lists of words might as well be written in greek, i can't stay focused long enough to read them. i need to go, i need to get out of here. if i didn't have work tomorrow, i'd be tempted to go home tonight. i'm churning inside, and it's been a little bit since i've felt like this, but for once "you" aren't exactly what brought it on.

i wonder about thoughts.

should i keep them to myself? should i share them with someone else?

obviously not one answer applies to all situations. some thoughts should be kept to oneself, others need to be shared.

some thoughts need to be shared with some people, but not with others.

but sometimes i wonder;

i have thoughts that i want to share with someone, but

should i really?

there's not always a lot to them.

what do i do with guilt? i can't beat myself down with it, but i can't ignore it either.

ever feel bad about something

but not really have much to say?

you just... feel bad...

maybe it keeps you awake.

sometimes i have dreams that make me sad upon waking.

sometimes i have dreams that i'm glad i wake up from.

most dreams are just weird.

sometimes, i have dreams in which i recall other dreams, and i'm never quite sure whether i actually had the recalled dream before, or i just dreamed that i did.

you're a jerk godamnit., you know that/

i'm not just happy as long as your happy, but goddamnit, i want you to be happy with me right now so of course i will be happy shoul yyou be happy with me.

go away, away, away, i can't stand it. you hurt me, so much, and yet i can't give you up. you mean so mcu hto e. how can i let someone who hurts me so much mean so much to me. idon't know how but you do. and should you be happy with e i cwould be happy. not unconditionally happy ,but i would be happier if you could be happy with me.

i don't know how to deal with this. goddamnit, how. how. how.

what do i do?

god.

should not let children that will ultimately doubt their religion be born to mothers who will cry over this.

or he should be more convincing.

just...

damnit.

i was chatting with my mom today and the conversation turned to have you accepted jesus and are you going to get baptized soon? i have, though that's stretching things, as it doesn't really fit with how i currently feel, and that's why i can't get baptized right now. but how can i tell this to my poor mother who responds "breathing" when i ask how she's doing because she's worrying, partly due to my recent car accident? rather, how do i ever tell any of my family, with all the strife it'll cause? but i can't feel right pretending earlier. i need to be convinced, please, oh please, god, show me truth as a christian so i don't make my mother cry.

i'm still not really sure whether leaving home this past summer was a good choice or not. things weren't going well at home, but, when i think about how my family must've felt after that, and also all the things i said i would do but fell short on, i feel kinda horrible. my brother has a really annoying way of expressing it, but i'm pretty sure him ranting at me a while ago about leaving was evidence of him missing me too.

summer feels so distant now, not quite two months and it feels like it was so long ago.

even so, i'm not homesick, i don't miss home. i'm nowheresick. sick of here, sick of there, sick of everywhere and i'm longing for some sort of fantasy land where everything works out the way it's supposed to.

today involved some tears, but, honestly, i do feel a little "better" than i did yesterday. that's good, i think.

blagh. so it's past midnight now, and the past two days i have done....nearly nothing. well, that's not quite true, i did my laundry and cleaned up my room some yesterday. but the rest of my time was spent mindlessly playing harvest moon.

god i love that game. it's so... addicting. i'm pissed, though, too, because they keep coming out with these great ideas, and typically fucking them up with poor game control choices. it's still addicting. just not quite... as satisfying as it could be. i'm waiting for the day they come out with the perfect harvest moon. seems more likely that each new game will be somewhat worse than the one before. T_T

as much as i love harvest moon, spending full days playing feels so unsatisfying and make me feel horrible over a wasted day. but i generally feel horrible right now, and if anything it distracts my mind some. i'm not sure what to make of how i feel right now. i'm tempted to say that, in a sense, i'm over him, but i don't think that's it. it's more of, when i think of him, i feel almost... dead towards him. it's an unsettling, disturbing feeling, that almost makes me feel sick sometimes. it's not a sense of moving on, i certainly don't feel as if i could be interested in anyone else yet. i don't know how to deal with it, i'm not really sure how to move past it, but it bothers me greatly. really, i'm not quite sure what to make of this right now or how to describe it.

i'm finishing a cup of tea and then i'm going to bed. hopefully i'll feel a little better or have a better grip on this in the morning.

blargh.

life seems rather annoying and frustrating and irritating right now. but passably happy. there's things i miss... *sigh* i'm probably reaching for something that isn't there. i know what i want, i know what seems easy and comfortable right now, and i know what i should do. problem is, none of these match up. and it seems like too much effort not to fall into something easy and convenient >.<

little blackie is no more.

i'm currently mourning the death of my car, as i totaled it today. was making a left turn out of a kwik trip onto a busy street, didn't see the car coming and broadsided someone else. once i had tried to imagine what it would be like to hit something with my car. i figured i had a pretty good idea of what it'd be like, think the feeling of watching a movie where everything is calm and serene and then BAM-HOLY-SHIT-WHAT-THE-FUCK! and then, ooooooooooh, shit. if you were still conscious. i was pretty much right, it felt about how i imagined it. i was trying to turn left out of kwik trip parking lot, onto a really busy street. i waited and waited and finally things slowed down. the nearest car (or so i thought) was turning left an intersection ahead of me, so i thought, i have room, i can go, accelerated and them BAM! AIRBAG TO THE FACE! and i was like, holy shit what the hell just happened, i don't believe what i think just happened. first thing i thought was oh god my mouth is numb, i can't feel my mouth...is it still there? it was, thankfully. i broadsided a car, either the car that was turning had blocked her from my sight, or maybe she had just turned from another intersection onto the road, but now my front bumper was laying in pieces across the road and holy shit did what i think happened really just happen?

no one was hurt, except for minor abrasions across my face from the airbag, and i've been told that i'll be hella sore tomorrow. it occured to me sometime later that a few seconds difference and SHE could've broadsided me instead, which would've resulted in far worse injuries on my part. but my car is totaled, and that makes me sad. not just from the inconvenience, but, i might miss that car a little. my parents have had that car since right after i was born, i remember riding with my parents in it so many times and it essentially became my first car. it was old, got bad gas mileage, was stiff, it leaked power steering fluid, and recently has smelled funny a lot, but it was familiar and i really liked it. it's weird, because it's not really that often that i've been attached to things out of familiarity. maybe that is due in part to my family making major moves a few times when i was young, but, generally i'm willing to toss out the old thing in favor of something newer or shinier. my brother still packs his blankie in his pillow case, my sister has a horse puppet that is her favorite toy. i don't really have anything that i was extremely attached to. same thing with houses and surroundings, it's just the initial barrier of making new friends, not the loss of familiar surroundings that might cause me some anxiety about moving. but as far as little blackie goes (that's what we named the car) i have some regret and sadness that stems from the loss of an old, familiar thing instead of just because i lost my car and caused an accident (though there's quite a bit of that too). i'm going to miss driving little blackie, the rip in the driver's seat, the familiar whine of the engine that i never quite knew when it would finally break down, the airbag light that had been flashing for years and no one knew if the airbag really worked (i confirmed today that it, in fact, does work), the stiff pedals and almost painfully slow accerleration at times. little blackie was a beat up old car that was special in spite of the horrible gas mileage in the same sense that that a torn up, stained, and worn childhood toy or blanket is special to some people. really, there's not many things that i feel this way about.

funny that i should get so sentimental about a car :p

oh, and here's what's ironic.

i was actually supposed to turn right to get to where i wanted to. could've easily managed that without hitting anyone :p

i had to go. get the hell out of here. going home would've just been horrible. i had to go and keep going. so i did, and as i was trying to get the hell out of here, i kept running into dead ends. finally found a road to take me out though. and i wanted to go for forever and never come back. or, at least, a couple days. honestly, i wanted to just drive and drive for a couple days, get lost and end up who the hell knows where. i was intentionally trying to get lost, i took plenty of random turns. spent an hour and a half before i ended up in mineral point, by that time i was feeling sort of better, so i decided that i might as well come back, as i have plenty of obligations around here. work and classes and all that...

i feel better now. better, as in i don't feel like complete shit. i just feel dead. i don't want to care, in a way i don't care. i need to get away from all of this, make it go away, yet, i can't stand to just leave things hanging like that. really, i should. i don't want to fucking care about him, or what he thinks, or care if he's being ridiculous. but i do, so... fuck.

i wish we had a big oak or maple tree in our backyard. i want to rake up a large pile of fallen leaves and jump in them. unfortunately, we don't, so i don't have any leaves to rake up.

also, our lawn needs to be mowed again. i call not me. :p even though i didn't do it last time either...

i do want to go hiking before the trees lose all their beautiful leaves this year. better do it soon, if i wait too long, they'll be gone before i know it. fall is like that. one moment, you think, oh, the colors are beautiful, i should take some time to go appreciate them. and then the next the trees are bare, and you're wondering how you missed them yet again. i feel kinda cliche commenting on that. i mean, everyone gets all these emails with a story about how if you don't pay attention to things, they'll be gone before you know it. if you always put something off for tomorrow, sooner or later, it'll be gone, and you'll be like "fuck..."

except those chain emails never say fuck :p

so my version is superior...or something :-/

you can have multiple blogs under one account. i think i might create one to put poems/stories/story ideas into. mostly because i like creating things. and i think i might like to separate it slightly from this one where i mostly baw about my life's troubles and woes.

speaking of which, mai laifu sux, i'm depressed, baw, etc, etc, etc.

just thought i'd reiterate in case i wasn't clear enough already...

i wonder who actually reads this. also, seems as if private feeds do not exist/do not work or some such. annoying.

*sigh*

one thing i never used to do that much, was to discuss anything slightly controversial with anyone. now i'm beginning to do that more and more. unfortunately, i end up discussing these things with...

my mom...

when she's online and i have no one else to talk to...

and...

quickly, i find myself tiptoeing across a sheet of thin ice, having to be oh-so-careful that i don't break through.

it's just... little forays into political issues, or something like that. but, my mom is very christian, and i'm drifting farther away from that, and...

aw, fuck, one of these days i'm just gonna crash through. unless, quick, someone convince me that i should be a hardcore conservative christian.

went to bed early last night, so i got plenty of sleep. woke up this morning feeling pretty depressed. blinds were down, so at 7am it's half dark in my room and i felt like my whole world was half dark, where everything has lost most of it's color and desirability, and at the moment i was just kinda existing, and all i really wanted to do all day was to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. and idly turn thoughts over in my mind, and maybe i'd find something, something other than this empty depression that seems to pervade me at the moment. it doesn't even make sense. i have all sorts of nice things, i like my job, i'm decently intelligent, i have a family that loves me, friends, and all that. hell, i'm even nice looking. a guy at a party the other night said he wanted to tell me i was gorgeous before he left, and at least a couple seemed interested in chatting with me. i've got a nice life but instead of enjoying it, here i am moping around because it all seems pointless and wanting to spend all day in bed staring at the ceiling. it's not even because i'm particularly sad. i'm only 18, i have a whole life ahead of me, and yet at the moment i can only look at it and think, why try...

i always had such a hard time imagining myself going to college, and what my life would be like beyond that when i was younger. occasionally i wondered if that meant i would die before i got too old. haha, what a silly kid. i have no goal. i need some sort of goal, so i can be striving for something i want. but i can't even think of anything i really really want that i can have, so i'm just kinda floating around waiting for something. i don't know...

i just have no motivation. is this what depression is? or am i just making a big deal out of something small...

weirdest thing just happened. so, earlier i was at a small lan party that i had planned on getting back from earlier, well, i got home late, so the door was locked and i didn't have my key on me. and i stood there for awhile ringing the doorbell, hoping to god someone might be home and maybe be awake, but with no luck. i was about to give up and go find someplace else to crash when i thought i'd check the back door, just in case, even though someone usually locks it. i hadn't locked it yesterday after playing outside with lei lei, so i figured i'd give it a shot. well, the back gate was standing wide open, i found that a little odd, entertaining fantasies of robbers and the like, but whatever, i found the back door unlocked, so, thank god i was able to get inside. so i get my stuff inside, i'm putting away groceries and heating up some food, and walk towards the front door, when i hear this sound.

the freakiest damn chill ran down my spine, and then i thought, oh god, a person.

the sound was "meow, meow, meow" and it sounded like a distinctly human imitation of a cat.

the part i find most interesting is that it freaked me out before i even processed the sound enough to think "oh god, there's a person in the house." anyways, i demanded to know who was there, walked around the other way, turned on lights, didn't find anyone. lei lei and creia however, were all poofed up and glaring at each other, hissing and meowing. none of it sounded like what i'd heard before, but it was close enough for me to pass it off as the cats. i thought about checking the basement but instead decided i was too afraid.

seriously, that freaked me the hell out. and i'm still a little freaked out, nervous about shutting off the lights and walking through a dark room. it's weird though, because i don't normally get freaked out about things like this.

and i still think that sound was fucking human. think: mocking, creepy male voice.

"meow, meow, meow."

so lately i've been trying my hand at poetry. i don't really consider myself much of a poet, decent, but most poems i've ever written seem to lack some sort of essence that makes me go "oh, hey, that's a neat poem, i kinda like it." also, i typically come up with two or three lines and spend laborious hours trying to come up with something to add to it. unless i give up rhyming and descend into basically free-form poetry, which involves a lot less skill and becomes mainly an interesting way of putting down my thoughts. it doesn't create the sort of poetry that i would want to show to other people.

lately, however, as none of my story ideas seem to capture my interest, i've been spending my down time working on a poem or two. i've actually completed one, and i think it's not half bad. but, i've rediscovered my escapism into words. if i can busy myself with creating a story line or even just a poem, i generally fall into a far better mood than i have been lately, even if i'm trying to put my current frustrations into a poem form. the effects fade as soon as i start wrenching myself back to reality, but as long as i can escape into words and ideas, i'm okay. not really a good thing i suppose. but it seems like the best way i can deal with things. if i can surround myself with a thought and an idea, sometimes a song that helps put me in the mood, even take a walk outside, and imagine that i'm part of some sort of... romantic? appealing? idea that takes hold of me, play with some sort of fiction in my head, and then i'm okay.

maybe. because i'm not okay. but this gets better, right?

oh, and i'm gonna put my poem in another post, because i think it deserves one of its own :p
EDIT: poem moved to blog for poems and stories

time doesn't heal all wounds
but
wounds take time to heal

it hit me last night. he was glancing through his old blogs and i remembered reading them, and reading the ones about what he wanted in a girl, and that sort of specialness he was looking for... and i remembered the me that had wanted a lot of that too, and the me that, while she would've liked to have a boyfriend, was actually kind of proud of the fact that she had never kissed a guy, never dated anyone. still had all of herself to give if someone really special ever came along.

and it only took a year and now that's all gone. for both of us.

i can't ever have it back.

and i feel like i've lost myself and i don't know what i want, and i'm scrabbling in the dark, reaching out for something solid, something that i can say is me and be sure of it, but what i'm finding is hard and covered with sharp spikes of regret and sadness and lonliness and fear, and i don't know if it's really me or not, but it's the only thing i can find, so i'm clutching it and pulling it close to me even though it's painful, because without it i'm completely lost and i have nothing.

so, i was bawwwing about my life's troubles and woes and typing it all down in hopes of figuring something out in google docs earlier. then i accidentally clicked on a bookmark and was taken to another page. i was like, okay, click back, and i'm taken to the google docs page, but the text space is empty. oh well, i thought, google docs autosaves, i'll just go to google docs home - and just as i'm clicking to do so, it autosaves the empty page.

then i was all like FUCKING RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE. my life's goal was about to become the total destruction of google, not an easy task i suppose, when luckily i noticed a revision history, and i was able to bring it all back.

disaster averted.

it's like a door. the door is closed, yet it's the type that, without a latch, would swing easily open. it has a latch, though it's a weak one and not very secure. and, quite often, i seem to accidentally bump against that latch, knocking it loose and letting the door swing open, and behind that door is a whirlwind of emotions and memories that flood out and overwhelm me.

sometimes i think i might be intentionally opening that door, maybe to make sure the feelings are still there. and they are.

i don't want to feel like this, i want to make these feelings go away and let me be happy. but at the same time, i'm afraid of this going away, especially quickly, i'm so certain now about what i want, i don't know what to trust if this just goes away and i'm perfectly okay.

gah, i don't know.

uncertainty seems to be the rule of my life.

and it never gets me anywhere, except by accident.

i wish this past year hadn't happened. that i could go back to that girl that was young and innocent and afraid to kiss a guy, much less do anything else with him. i wish i could have her back. have her back and have her do things a little different. she was close to it, she could've. but she didn't, and i'm stuck here below the rubble, seemingly too depressed to dig myself out.

and i also wish i had wings and could fly.

what's wrong with me?

i'm forgetting everything lately, and i have no motivation. how do i deal with this? i'm trying to bury it under other activities, doing things, talking to people but it just comes back and hits me whenever it feels like it, which is often. and the rest of the time i'm completely unmotivated and i'm forgetting things and skipping class. forgot to bring my discrete math book home over the weekend, didn't get the work done until last night and had to ask the prof. to still give me partial credit, walk into OOP1 lab today (fifteen minutes late, because i had thought for a while it wasn't for another hour) and find out from qi that there had been a quiz yesterday (yup, skipped class yesterday). luckily he was nice enough to let me still take it, just this once.

i don't know how to deal with this though. this is like being sick, except this is something you're expected to be able to handle and not let it interfere with other things. but i don't know how...

i'm okay, and then i'm not. i'm okay again, and then i'm not again. T_T

there's this new freshman in spamm and he's been chatting with me constantly online, figured he was kinda hitting on me, i wasn't going to say anything outright and just ask if he was hitting on me, hell, i haven't even talked to him in real life yet. then he asks if i'm taken and i say no, but i'm not interested in anyone at the moment, and... he's disappointed and says he kinda developed a little crush on me. i feel kinda bad, i don't like to disappoint people, but, it's not like i'd committed to him or anything.

he was having troubles with messenger showing him as offline earlier.

reminds me of something else that happened, and then i'm not okay at all.

so my brother just sat there and bitched at me for the last half hour about my having left home for part of the summer, sitting on his high and mighty, self-righteous horse about how i'm an ungrateful child and my parents should just throw me out on my ass, and how i'm stupid and ridiculous for ever having thought of leaving home, and, oh yeah, all life is is just taking orders from someone else, so i should just shut up and get used to it.

and earlier, while we were eating lunch at red robin, everyone has to bear down on me about my having not decided who i'm going to vote for, because OMG IT'S COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS THAT ANYONE WOULD EVER CONSIDER VOTING FOR OBAMA, SRSLY GUIS. and my grandma starts going on about how my parents should probably write me out of their will (wtf), and how going to a state college has brainwashed me with liberal ideas, and you know how i hear my parents go on alot about how the democrats are people who only want to look out for themselves, and get something in favor of their own special interests, and then here's my brother, going all YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR MCCAIN YOU IDIOT, OBAMA WILL RAISE DAD'S TAXES, IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS WHO YOU SHOULD BE VOTING FOR.

i love my family and their special to me, but at a moment like this, i can't help but think: why the hell did i come home again?

oh yeah, blue angels airshow. cancelled today because of low cloud cover and shit weather.

yay.

someday i want to gather together a few belongings that i can't live without, pick them up and move somewhere else. leave everything behind, not lose contact with family and friends, but just go somewhere else, somewhere strange and unfamiliar and sort of start over anew. see how i fare, if i can make it like that. it'd be nice if i had someone, a man who'd want to do that with me too. make it a little less scary, give me a little more confidence. then we'd start a life somewhere strange, somewhere new, maybe across the country, preferably somewhere foreign.

i don't know if i'll ever really do it, but... stick around in platteville, get my degree. graduate, and head out of town. take my computer, some clothes, a few other things, board a plane and leave. sounds like fun.

more than anything else, i think i want to do something sorta crazy like that.

so i'm fine, right? fine until i see a name written on a piece of paper and then i continue to keep convincing myself that i'm fine, fine until i'm out that building and on my way home, walking down the sidewalk, across the street, don't bother to wait because it's all stop signs, the cars have to stop anyways. and i'm thinking about things, trying to think about mundane shit, i don't feel that bad, it's just, a little annoying, he's overlaid on all my thoughts no matter what they're about, and i get in my car and i'm driving home and i just want to get there as soon as i can. quickly, because i can't seem to concentrate and everything's not very clear and oh shit! there's a car coming that i didn't notice, better hurry through this turn, and to another intersection, and i'm not sure who has the right of way and i hesistate and then i go anyways, someone has to go, and i just wanna get home, get home, hurry, hurry past his house and down the street and i never meet another car at this intersection, but there's one today, doesn't matter, turn, turn, park, and i'm home. home where i can curl up alone in my bed until the moment passes, and then i can try to tell myself this shouldn't be such a big deal, plenty of other girls have it far worse.

"i love you."

The whisper mixed with acrid smoke and then hung stagnate in the stale afternoon air, humid and oppressive, making inactivity uncomfortable and exertion miserable. An ancient ceiling fan, blades worn and covered in dust and dirt and expired insect exoskeletons, creaked in protest against the smothering heat but it was a futile battle that only created a slight stirring in the air, a broken promise of relief. In the sky outside dark clouds pregnant with rain but unable to burst hung heavy and low, struggling to stay above the treetops. He sat with his back to her, fingers tapping against a calculator, pencil scratching against paper, her presence unacknowledged, an emotionless monolith. She stood perfectly still, or maybe she trembled just slightly, her dress clinging to her small frame, dampened by sweat from running here, expectant, waiting. Waiting for the rain to come, waiting for relief from this torment as her words echoed in her ears, vowels and consonants mashing together and mingling with the creaking of the fan and the scratching of the pencil until all she could hear was a dull roar that swallowed up all her thoughts until she could hardly remember what she said and she was just about to scream when she heard it. The first few raindrops smacking against the ground. And it was only a minuscule amount of relief but it turned her scream into a shout and then lightning flashed outlining everything with a certain starkness.

"I love you!"

The clouds burst, filling the room with the roar of a billion raindrops bursting outside, splashing into the open window, beating the weary trees and weary homes, drowning them in relief. Deliberately he set down his pencil, deliberately he put out his cigarette in the ash try, deliberately he pushed back his chair and turned to face her. Beneath thick, dark bangs rose dark brooding eyes to capture her wide ones. He opened his mouth and said one word, a hoarse syllable just barely audible over the sound of the rain.

"Why?"

Suddenly she felt childish and foolish and scared and took an unsteady step backward and then another, legs shaking and breath ragged. He reached for her and then she broke his gaze and turned and fled. Irregular footsteps sounded through the hallway and then out the front door and for a moment he just sat there, unmoving, until then he was up and running too, chasing after her, running through the front door she'd left wide open and into the downpour. He closed the gap between them quickly, reaching out for her as she stumbled, catching her before she scraped her knees against the concrete and turning her around to face him. Lightning flashed again sending waves of thunder to roll over them, two ragged bodies connected by a touch, connected by a gaze, unable to move closer, unable to move apart, unable to say a thing as the rain cried in rivulets rushing down over their cheekbones. He was the first to move, breaking the eye contact, lifting his head to stare past her at a young sapling, bent over like a weary old man in the pounding rain. He was drenched, and yet his mouth was dry, no sound came out as he opened his mouth, rain dripped in, pooling at the corners, he swallowed awkwardly, yet his mouth was still dry and he need to say something but...

"Tell me...t-tell me...do you love me?"

She was the one to speak. Voice small and quiet, barely audible, rain nearly beating away the trembling halting words before he could hear. His mouth opened and closed again, still achingly dry as he pulled his eyes away from the sapling and back to her, her face searching and questioning, fear hovering at the edges of her eyes.

"Don't tell me... don't tell me how you think you should feel, don't tell me what seems most advantageous, how it seems you should feel. Just tell me how you feel...for once just tell me how you really feel. Give me that much, let me know, please..."

Eyes loosing focus, he stood there, wondering how he felt, wondering how he really felt, wondering how he could answer her. Fingers loosened and let shivering arms drop limply.

"I don't know."

A voice as dead and emotionless as the concrete beneath his feet. Her knees gave way, scraping against the sidewalk, her head dropping against her chest, eyes closing, squeezing out the rain, squeezing out the pain.

"Love me, like I love you," she pleaded. "Not because I love you, love me more because I love you, but first love me because of me."

His limbs locked up for a moment, then he stepped back, turned around, took a few numb, sloshing steps away. Lifting his face to the sky, the rain pounded against closed eyelids, he imagined it beating down into him, wearing away at his soul. Love... her...? That was stupid, that was foolish. Love...? He was not an emotionless bastard, but nothing rang true. Love...? How could he ever be sure of a such a silly word, people's emotions were fickle, fluttering from one flower to the next like a damned butterfly. Love...? Maybe he could, he couldn't seem to push her out of his mind. Love... her...? Maybe?

Should he? Could he?

Would he?

...Did he?

Turning back around, he sank to the ground, kneeling into a puddle and somehow making his pants wetter than they were. He reached for her, she didn't shrink back, he pulled her into him, offering what little bit of warmth he had, noticing her trembling sobs, felt but not heard, her uncontrolled shivering. He bent his head down, resting his wet cheek against her wet hair and closing his eyes, simply feeling her.

A little time would pass, and the rain would begin to fade as clouds were spent and began to be pushed away. And the sun would peek through, feebly apologize for the weather earlier. And he would stand and help her up, and he would pull her close to him as they slowly wandered back inside. And nothing much had really changed at all, except for a tiny smile on her face and a tiny seed of happiness in his heart, everything was really only a tiny bit better. But at least for the moment, that tiny bit seemed like it was just enough, just enough so that maybe it was worth it after all.

-----------------------------------------------
finished, this time. maybe should i go back and edit the hell out of it someday, it might actually become a decent one-shot piece.

it's been gloomy out, dreary, drizzly, cold rain to match my gloomy dreary mood. makes me want to kill myself.

ever stand on a bridge, or on a rooftop and wonder what it would be like to climb up on that railing, and throw yourself over the edge? wonder if you could do it; if you could kill yourself? ever stand on that railing and wonder? wonder if you could take that car you're driving and slam it full speed into the side of a building? not whether you want to, or if you should, but whether you could. to see if you possessed that strange mix of bravery and cowardice that drives a person to suicide. i have. kind of a strange feeling to stand on a bridge railing and know you have the physical capability to send yourself over the edge and then it'll be too late for you change anything, and yet, still wonder if you could do it. i'm a curious person, sometimes morbidly so.

so i decided long ago that if i was ever going to kill myself, i would do it simply because i wanted to see if i could do it. probably only do it when shits sucks and i don't feel any great motivation towards living anyway, but the primary reason would be to see if i was capable. jumping off a building's probably the way to go, because i'll have those few seconds of still being alive and knowing the inevitable end and that i actually did cause it myself. suicide note might go something like this:

i'm sorry.
i know it's awfully selfish of me, but i just wanted to know
i've been kinda depressed lately, but
that's not really the reason why
it's ironic but
i just couldn't stand living any longer
without knowing whether i was capable of killing myself or not
if you're reading this then i must have succeeded

and no, really, i'm not at all suicidal.

i'mbeing stupid so stupid so bstpuid.

i'm clinging ont o him and now he's reatng me like some sort ofa nnoying freind. someone he wantt obe nice to, but who i also graitong n his nerves. that's not what i want to be..

but i cant 'stand to lose him and i cna't stnd life without him and all i want ot od is be drunk if that's what lifehas to be even though i nknow htat's os bad, so bad ,so bad, i cna't poossibly drown my sorrowsi n alcholhol. but for some reaosn i' mtrying.

more people should read my blog, or something. as it is, serp's the only one who i know reads it, and i'm not even sure if he still does. right now it's more of a place for me to make my musings and my miseries public without them actually being public, kind of a pathetic middle ground between keeping everything to myself and being an attention whore. i worry sometimes that i'm being kind of an attention whore, and wanting people to feel bad for me.

i can't stand this, i can't stand it. i want to kill it, i want to smother it, these feelings that make me so miserable, but when i do that all i have left is this empty sort of dead feeling, and that's far worse than being miserable, than crying because i want him and he doesn't want me, when i stand there and something at the core of me just sinks so deep and everything seems so pointless, so pointless. at those times i don't want to care at all, to be happy without him, but if i smother that then i feel dead, and it's worse.

people go through breakups all the time, right? my world's not ending, i'll get over him, i'll move on, yeah?

there's nothing to make me believe i'll ever find someone i like better. it's definitely possible, there's billions of people in the world, i'm surrounded by people every day, should be able to find someone, yeah? if not by destiny then by chance, yeah?

if i could go back to a year ago, without any of my memories now, would i redo it all or would things happen differently? am i only the product of my genes, my memories, my environment, my experiences, everything destined to happen the same as it did, or would i do things differently? i almost thought, a few times, before going out with zake, that really, i should reconsider things, serp seemed like he might be the better of the two, i thought so many times that i should call josh and break up with him damnit, maybe i would done things differently, done them better. is freewill what we imagine it is, or are we all just playing some cosmic game of dice, tossing the dice and seeing where they land, deluding ourselves into believing that this randomness is some sort of freewill. what the heck is freewill anyway?

i can never seem to decide things. a flaw on my part, i know. but i look at things and i think, well, makes sense this way, has some flaws though, oh look, makes sense that way, that has some flaws too. maybe all anyone does is toss the dice, see where they land and adopt that position, believing it somehow to be right. truth, what's truth? serp has a passion for truth. what is it, where can we find it? how can we? won't we, in a thousand or so years, be looked back upon as those silly primitive individuals who were so deluded, like we scoff at the ancients who believed in alchemy and that there were four elements of earth, air, wind and fire? does a quest for truth only lead down convuluted paths of illusions and delusions and judgement clouded by our experiences? seems wrong to say that one would ever be able to know all there is to know. to be able to know absolute truth and all of it, seems like there will always be more to discover, because what do you do when you've discovered it all? do you become gods? but if there is always more truth to discover, either it's all relative which seems bullshit to me, or we're just caught in a web delusion that our minds weave for ourselves and we can never really know anything. and those people in a few thousand years will think they're so right and we were so wrong, and a few thousand years later they'll be looked upon the same way.

so what do we have left? what can i believe? i can't live in this doubt like this, you can't live doubting everything, you have to start from somewhere, otherwise it's just ultimately pointless. i want so desperately to believe that there's a god, the christian god and for the most selfish of reasons. i want to know that i'm going to live in heaven for an eternity when i die, i want to know that i have a loving father who's perfect and who'll watch over me and guide my life if only i trust him, to have a book in front of me that i can say was written by god, a book that i can say contains absolute truth and believe in it, but so far i haven't found a satisfactory reason to believe so. not now, not before when i was a far better christian, when i prayed and prayed and prayed that prayer over and over again, never really believing that i was saved, never able to trust myself that i had really accepted it. because i couldn't, i wanted to believe but i just can't, there has to be something that makes it obvious to me. and i'm so afraid that i'm wrong and that i'm missing something and i'll be wrong and more immediate than a fear of hell is putting my parents through all this if i'm just wrong about it all.

but without that faith i'm all alone and it all seems kinda pointless right now, and i'm so depressed. *shrug*

"i love you."

The whisper mixed with acrid smoke and then hung stagnate in the stale afternoon air, humid and oppressive, making inactivity uncomfortable and exertion miserable. An ancient ceiling fan, blades worn and covered in dust and dirt and expired insect exoskeletons, creaked in protest against the smothering heat but it was a futile battle that only created a slight stirring in the air, a broken promise of relief. In the sky outside dark clouds pregnant with rain but unable to burst hung heavy and low, struggling to stay above the treetops. He sat with his back to her, fingers tapping against a calculator, pencil scratching against paper, her presence unacknowledged, an emotionless monolith. She stood perfectly still, or maybe she trembled just slightly, her dress clinging to her small frame, dampened by sweat from running here, expectant, waiting. Waiting for the rain to come, waiting for relief from this torment as her words echoed in her ears, vowels and consonants mashing together and mingling with the creaking of the fan and the scratching of the pencil until all she could hear was a dull roar that swallowed up all her thoughts until she could hardly remember what she said and she was just about to scream when she heard it. The first few raindrops smacking against the ground. And it was only a minuscule amount of relief but it turned her scream into a shout and then lightning flashed outlining everything with a certain starkness.

"I love you!"

The clouds burst, filling the room with the roar of a billion raindrops bursting outside, splashing into the open window, beating the weary trees and weary homes, drowning them in relief. Deliberately he set down his pencil, deliberately he put out his cigarette in the ash try, deliberately he pushed back his chair and turned to face her. Beneath thick, dark bangs rose dark brooding eyes to capture her wide ones. He opened his mouth and said one word, a hoarse syllable just barely audible over the sound of the rain.

"Why?"

Suddenly she felt childish and foolish and scared and took an unsteady step backward and then another, legs shaking and breath ragged. He reached for her and then she broke his gaze and turned and fled. Irregular footsteps sounded through the hallway and then out the front door and for a moment he just sat there, unmoving, until then he was up and running too, chasing after her, running through the front door she'd left wide open and into the downpour. He closed the gap between them quickly, reaching out for her as she stumbled, catching her before she scraped her knees against the concrete and turning her around to face him. Lightning flashed again sending waves of thunder to roll over them, two ragged bodies connected by a touch, connected by a gaze, unable to move closer, unable to move apart, unable to say a thing as the rain cried in rivulets rushing down over their cheekbones.



-----
and that's all i have. probably sucks, and i'm not quite achieving the writing style that i want to, but i felt like writing it. i want to finish it, but i'm not sure which way i want to take it.

forgiveness isn't hard to come by. i've always been able to give it out pretty easily. but those things that are just given out easily don't really mean that much, do they. it's still nice, it's still nice like getting a blue ribbon at the county fair but it doesn't mean that much because half the classes are danish judged so getting a blue ribbon isn't that hard at all anyway. so far i've managed to float by on nice little bubble of content because while things could maybe be better, maybe i could be striving for something more meaningful, there's still a lot of people who are worse off than me, still a lot of people who a far worse human beings than i am. not even that hard to be "better than most" i suppose. that blue ribbon is still better than most but wasn't that hard to come by so it doesn't mean that much. but when you're like that it doesn't seem so bad if you slip up, just like if one time you get a red or maybe don't even place, doesn't matter as much because you've got all those other blue's to make up for it.

but they don't really.

and maybe i can strive for something more.

i think i might've had a glimpse of something better.

maybe, i'm not sure.

i'm really not sure about anything right now except how i hurt and have hurt others and that road only leads to self pity so it's not much help at all.

and this really isn't just to meant to refer to him but as far as that area goes, if this chance has been ruined do i really want to strive for that something better because then it's just going to be so much harder to find anything at all.

fuck.

i'm lacking even more motivation than usual lately. shit seems so pointless. and i seem to be losing the things that made it meaningful. not everything, but... i'm just confused, lost, sad and afraid.

i've heard it said that most people dream in black and white. a really quick search on google tells me that this isn't really true. at the very least, i know that i dream in color. sometimes quite vivid color.

the other night, i had a fucking beautiful dream. i don't remember everything, but there were storms/tornado coming, so i hid in the basement of some random building, with some lady who was my art teacher. before the storms arrived though, the building had a walk-out basement, and i walked out back. in front of the building was city, in the back was semi-wilderness. kind of a parkish area, and then there was an enormous playground behind a school. i walked in that direction a bit and looked at the sky. it was semi-dark, the kind that storms bring, with golden setting-sunlight peaking through the ominous clouds. and, it was absolutely gorgeous. intimidating too, in that imminent storm sort of way. eventually i went back to the building and crouched down in a corner, trying to protect myself. the tornado never really came, i tried looking outside to see it, but wasn't able to.

later other random stuff happened involving my cousins and chickens and salt and pepper, but that's not really important :p

take something and make it tiny. then it becomes cute.

why?

no. wai????? wai????? WAI??????????????????????????

the hens' nesting boxes are full of maggots. ew. gross. i pulled out the hay and everything underneath squirms. T_________T not again....

she says there's lots of pebbles on the beach.

but there's more sand than pebbles.

and i want this pebble.

everything's falling down around me. can i pick up the pieces and build it back up? or are parts of it irreplaceable, i need to get rid of them and build something from scratch?

i feel like maybe, just maybe, i could convince myself that this is the will of god. i've strayed from him, and these are the repercussions. mediocre grades, rocky relations with my family, failed and failing relationships. and if i can let go of it, let go of my sin, repent, and come back to god, things'll get better. i can live a happy life and seek his will for me and he'll show me what to do and things'll be better. better than this.

i could be happy. convince myself that this relationship is bad, wasn't god's will. look forward to another relationship that is his will. listen to my parents more, apply myself harder at school and believe he's helping me. seek his direction and believe i'm finding it.

but, no. i can't quite. i feel like i'm escaping. just because shit sucks doesn't mean god is doing this to me. and i don't know how to truly, honestly believe it so that i can be happy with it. nor can i shake the fear that i might miss something important. be too smart to just accept but not smart enough to realize that i'm wrong, and it is true.

so, everything's falling down around me. and the places in which i usually find solace offer me none. am i just alone? aren't we all, in a sense, just alone?

i used to wonder how two people could possibly like each other. out of all the other people out there, two people coincidentally liking each other. but it's not so ridiculous. there's shared experiences, similar personalities that lead people to like each other. maybe what's more ridiculous is for them to truly love each other. to truly love each other and never look at some one else and think "maybe i would've been happier with him."

love is partly a decision. you can't just...decide to love someone. but, if you've loved them in the past, and something happens to fuck it up, you can either decide to give up and quit or decide to continue loving them and work through it. because of what you had. so you can get it back.

but maybe if you just really liked this person, it's not worth it. maybe what you had wasn't so great at all. and you haven't made a commitment to each other yet, so... it's better to just give up and try and start somewhere fresh. maybe you'll be happier with someone else. maybe it won't matter. maybe you would've been happier with this person, but it never reached that point so it doesn't matter to consider it.

all i know is that it hurts like hell to lose something, hurts worse than anything else i've been through in my sheltered life. this exact something that i will very probably never have back. and i'm gonna try and hold on to it as tight as i can, exhaust all my options until i can convince myself it couldn't work out.

but maybe it's just life. you can't suffer continually just to make someone else happy. i can't even be a christian to appease my parents. i'm either going to truly believe and be one, or not, and that'll be a deep, deep wound. i can only expect someone to try for so long before deciding it's not worth it, that it's not gonna happen. and then i have to let it go. let it fucking hurt.

eventually i'll get over that hurt.

people get over it all the time.

it's not the end of the world. quite possibly it's for the best.

i used to want to be independant. i could be independant. never hold myself accountable to anyone else, never try to love them. my life could be all my own. i'd still love my family, but it's a different sort of love. i could, travel the world, never worry about having kids, my life could be all my own. it's kinda selfish, but hey, it's not so bad, as long as i'm still trying to be a good person.

but, knowing what it's like to have that one person who you share everything with, that one person you want to make happy, that one person who comforts you and tries to make you happy, i'm not sure if i could do it anymore. on those lonely nights i would remember and cry bitterly to myself over something i once had.

it's not the end of the world. there's plenty of other fish in the sea as they say. at least one of them has to compare right? hell, one of them has to be better. i can get over it and move on and find that one that's better and do it right and we'll be all the happier.

right?

but right now i hurt so bad and i feel so alone.

so i've decided what i want to do with my life. get rich, buy some secluded mansion, and live out the rest of my life as an eccentric recluse surrounded by a gabillion chickens and my cat lei lei. and i'll paint and draw all day long and the entirety of my social life will exist on the internet. maybe that doesn't make me quite a recluse, but close enough. it's easier not to care about people if you only ever meet them online. and i can live out a billion imaginary lives through writing stories and maybe even convince myself that they're more real than my reality. die early, and then the world can discover my art and stories and be hailed a literary genius. my stuff might not be that great. but everything's better after the artist is dead.

when you die, if you think you're going to heaven but all there really is is nothingness, it doesn't really matter. you could die with hope and never have to know you were wrong.

do something stupid.

maybe it'll come back to bite you in the ass later. or maybe even it'll make something work out for the better.

the suspense is what'll kill me.

i have so many things i want to say, to furiously type down into a journal entry, a blog entry. rehearsed them all in my head, one thing after another, but now that this keyboard lies wait in front of me, they fade into thin, wispy strands of thought. not quite as coherent or complete as they once were. i want to take a recording of my mind, corral those thoughts into a place that i can access easily at my will, rather than relying on unstable memories of unstable thoughts, which always seem as if they were better the first time i thought them. (maybe they really aren't. ha)

you compared me to a marble, bouncing heedlessly off vanishing walls of emotion. i had a hard time being insulted, i thought the imagery was kinda good. (ha) but maybe i'm not so much a marble, as a canvas with a painting. too often i let passersby pick up their own paintbrushes of emotion and feeling and thought and change a little bit of my painting to make them a little bit happier about the picture they're seeing. i think it's no big deal, i can scrape off their paint later and have my original back, to change how i see fit.

but can i?

or will my painting loose itself under the brush strokes of others and begin to exist only as an everchanging landscape to please the viewer? make them a little bit happier for a little bit of time?

well....fuck.

so I just recently got into a fight with my parents that ended in me saying that I'll just move out. I'm not really sure what to do next. there's millions of reasons why this is a bad idea, but I don't really want to back down and say, nope, I was just bluffing. I think that's what they're waiting for me to do. And, damnit, they don't want to let me spend a night with serp at all this summer. Or let me sleep in. It pisses me off, and I'm annoyed, and not really enjoying being home all that much. Mom's in a bad mood most of the time, and difficult to be around, and I'm not helping it or am the cause of the bad mood. And I want to see my serp all the time, like I was able to last semester. And I can't. Much less stay up late at night to chat with him half the time.

But I have no car, and apparently will lose all financial support from my parents if I leave. Which means no college for at least a year, probably, and stuff. And I'm not sure exactly what will happen if I go through with this. I have a little sister that I know will cry if I leave. But if I'm going to leave, I want to do it now, before I get a job here, and make other commitments that make leaving even that much more difficult, and stupid.

Why must I fight with my parents like this? And I get this little nagging feeling that says, just maybe I'm wrong and should just bend to their rules. Which aren't quite horrible ridiculous demands, but I would say at least somewhat ridiculous. And I can't stand being constantly nagged by my mom. And I'm spoiled and miss my serp.

Furthermore, I don't want say "kyyyyyyyyyle love come here and pick me up" and on his way up here some sort of agreement is reached between me and my parents and then I'm all like "nevermind, go back home."

I have a cat, too. What am I going to do with her? Lei Lei, you seem to cause me more problems than I ever thought you would. :p

And and and and...

I don't want to actually run away with serp and then later have this relationship sour and we break up. because then I'll be double fucked.

gah....I wanna talk to serp but his phone is dead and so I have to wait for him to get home and either get online or plug in his phone and call me back.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

this might be the most poorly organized post I written, as far as skipping around between similar trains of thought goes. but I wanted to type something, damnit.

I've meant to blog a couple times in the past few months, started a few posts, but never finished them. I'm in a faaaaaaar better mood than when the last post was made, and figure I should write something else more...cheerful, maybe. I dunno, I'll probably spend enough time bitching about the things that suck about being home, I think I'll at least make this post about something good.

While things have been pretty iffy with my parents since coming home for the summer, I've spent the past two days spending some time outside helping my dad play in the dirt. He's adding on to the barn, and has huge posts stuck into the ground, dug out a rectangular depression, and is filling it with sand, and later, we'll pour a slab of concrete on top. Yesterday I'll helped him with fixing some of the posts that got knocked a little out of place, and finished digging, and then today I helped with sand. Some dude in a dump truck came and dumped piles of sand in front of the barn, and dad's been picking them up with the bucket on the tractor and dumping them in the hole. I then tried to smooth it out and make it somewhat level, and then ran a compactor over it, which packed it down somewhat. Not terribly hard work, really, but more exertion than anything I did in college, except for the few times I went to the gym. I've helped my dad plenty of times outside in the past, especially since we never hire anyone to do anything if my dad thinks he can do it. Usually I've been more or less a reluctant worker, sometimes more, other times I didn't mind it too much.

But yesterday and today I honestly enjoyed being outside helping my dad shovel dirt around. Maybe this is only temporary, and I'm only enjoying it because I've hardly had to help all year, being away at college and all. It helps that the weather was really nice for doing that sort of stuff too. But I enjoyed being outside, busy at a task that required some exertion. I wonder if my dad enjoys that work like that. He's been outside almost all day working on it, it's getting fairly dark and just recently I stopped hearing the tractor running. I want to enjoy work like that all the time. Unfortunately that's unrealistic and I'll never get that :(. But - at least - most of the time. Whatever I have for a career, I want to be able to enjoy it like that. Which is kind of why I decided on computer science for my major. I enjoy doing things with computers, and I find coding kind of fun. Ironically, it's also why I'm unsure that it's really something I want to do, though. The enjoyment I get from doing things with a computer is very different than the enjoyment I get out of riding my pony, or helping my dad with work outside. If I sit at a computer for hours doing something, while I may enjoy it (and many times it is purely for entertainment, like gaming or chatting) I tend to get a sort of... "stuffy" feeling when I'm done. Whereas, doing something outside almost has a... how shall I put it... "cleaner" feeling to it. Maybe it's just the fresh air. But I sort of like that feeling better.

Similarly, on Sunday took my pony for a safety night ride for 4-H. Basically I just have to show I have enough of an idea of what I'm doing to be safe, and that my pony isn't going to rampage and eat everyone for dinner. And after have been in the horse and pony project for years, I sure hope I can accomplish that. I did the little safety quiz, and then, while waiting for everyone else to do theirs, put my pony Specks on a lead rope and let him graze for awhile. And as I sat there thinking about things, I thought "You know what? This is really nice." There's been plenty of times over the years where I viewed the horse thing as more of a chore than something I really enjoyed. I went "horse crazy" sometime in elementary school, and while I never exactly quit liking horses, I always had more enthusiasm about it when I was in my room planning neat things I could do, than I had when it was time to go outside and tack up my pony to ride. I was too attached to my pony to let my parents ever sell him, yet many times my mom had to almost force me to do things with him. And rarely did I really ever dislike actually riding him, but often I viewed all the other stuff as a chore and had a hard time motivating myself. But on Sunday while I was thinking about things, I thought that there was so much more satisfaction involved in doing things with my pony than, say, playing a video game or reading a book. I'm more willing to do the latter two because there's less effort involved, but maybe it's those parts of owning and riding a pony that I distinctly dislike and take work that make me feel like it's so much more worth it to do. Maybe if I found it really easy all the time to take care of my pony and do things with him, I wouldn't feel as great a sense of accomplishment as I do sometimes.

There is a sense in which I'm glad to be home. I'm not the sort of person to get homesick or want to come home, but I kinda like this place. and, omgilovemychickensbecausethey'reawesomeandcoollooking. But there's also plenty of reasons why I don't want to be home, for one, Serp, you is too far aways and I's missing you. And more, which I'll probably rant about later.

Never satisfied.

I swear, the whole time I was home, all I wanted to do was to go back to Platteville. Well, guess what? I’m back in fucking Platteville, and I want to go home.

WTF???

I’ll back track a bit. I remember Serp once mentioning how he really doesn’t have much of a sense of “home.” Home, for him, is basically wherever his computer is. I could easily say it’s about the same for me. Computer, art supplies, and yeah, I’m more or less comfortable. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from bringing tons of shit with me wherever I go, because I have a bad habit of trying to bring everything I could ever conceive myself needing, and I still won’t have what I really need when the time comes. My past in a sense is kept on my computer, files and photos.

I’m not the type that gets really attached to things. For example, little kids often get attached to a certain toy or blanket that they want to have with them everywhere. My brother, his blankie. My little sister, a stuffed horse puppet named Nickers. Me? Yeah, I had a certain blanket that I preferred, but, could I go without it? Yeah. And, I like my new computer a lot, but offer me a better one, let me transfer over my files and I’m good to go. Honestly, I can’t think of something that I’m seriously attached too. Yes, I am a sort of pack rat, there’s plenty of shit I should just throw out that I don’t. But, it’s not like I’m really that attached to it. I just keep it because I think I might need it in the future. I don’t attach much sentimental value on it. There was a question on my senior questionnaire that went something like: What is your most treasured item? I don’t think I even put down an answer, I couldn’t think of anything.

But, well, on the first, my friend gave me a part Siamese kitten and I named her Lei Lei. Lei Lei is now included in my definition of home: computer and Lei Lei. I’ve had plenty of animals in the past: pony, chickens, our family has cats and a dog, too. And even though I’ve had them for far longer than I’ve had Lei Lei, I can honestly say that I’m far more attached to Lei Lei than any of them. Even my pony Specks. I feel, in a sense, like I’m almost betraying Specks by saying that, but it’s true. Why, though?

Because, since the first, Lei Lei has been around me almost constantly. She’s the first animal I’ve owned that has been exclusively mine, and she lived in my room at home over break. Any time I was in my room, which was plenty, Lei Lei was there. At first she was pretty shy, but she warmed up to me. She was there to run around and play with. She’s left scratches all over my hands with her little needle claws. When I slept at night, she crawled in bed next to me or on top of me. A constant presence that I enjoyed.

So, now I’m back in Platteville. The only reason I was able to accept Lei Lei in the first place was because Serp and his housemates kindly agreed to let her stay at their house. And heck, I’m at that house most of the time anyways. But, understandably, Serp etc, seem to be kinda sick of mine and Zach’s constant presence at their house. At the very least, they don’t want us to be sleeping there, and really, there is no longer a comfortable surface for sleeping on.

But now, more than ever, I want to be there. Lei Lei is there. The time when I enjoy her presence the most is at night as I’m getting ready for bed, and once I’m in bed. And, well, that’s when I can’t be around her.

So, I have a strong desire to be at Serp’s house. Diametrically opposed to that is another strong desire to stay as far away from that house as possible. A reason that I probably shouldn’t mention here, but it’s fucking with my mind and emotions badly.

So, I’ve really only been in Platteville for two days, and I want to go home. I need to fucking grow up. I had a perfectly good chance to discuss what I’ve been meaning to discuss with someone for a month now, and couldn’t bring myself to it. At the same time I’m very seriously chasing after what I have no right to chase after, and probably shouldn’t regardless of circumstances.

I can’t wait for when, in one and a half years, I can rent my own apartment where I can be around Lei Lei all the time. Heck, I’m even jealous and afraid that she may get attached to someone else more than me by the end of the semester.

Shit, I don’t know what to do, as I’m running out of safeguards and even others are noticing my shitty mood lately. There’s only so much that being kinda sick can account for, it’s far more than that.

I wish there was a button, a big red button that said “Push in Case of Emergency.” And when you pushed it, everything would be alright. Things would suddenly make sense, and work out right. Of course, I could take this farther to eventually reach the conclusion as to why that wouldn’t be a good thing, but I’m too lazy to do that right now. Ah, well, I should get to sleep or something. Classes start tomorrow.

The snow outside is melting. Most of it's become "snirt" - snow/dirt. It's ugly. This winter has been beautiful so far, except for the few days I've seen snirt outside. Not only that, but it's melting, so I get to see plenty of mud too. Hopefully we'll get a thick layer of beautiful white snow in a few days to cover it all up.

I can't seem to find pomegranates anywhere, I suppose they must be out of season. I'd love to eat a pomegranate right now, but I might have to wait until next fall. I hope not.

Seems to me like everyone has been talking about the upcoming elections for forever. I don't ever remember all the hubbub about candidates and elections starting so soon, but now that it's election year, things are picking up even more. I figure it's time I started paying attention. My mom asked me yesterday if I was going to vote in the primaries, but I don't think I will. I haven't paid nearly enough attention to cast an educated vote.

If I was voting based on looks, Obama would get my vote.

Okay, now that I've got that out of the way... I'm 18 now, so I do plan on exercising my right to vote in the fall. And I want to do more than just "hur de bur, guise, I is 18 so's I's gonna vote because I can." Politics, however, is something I have always steered away from.

HOLY SHIT GUISE, MY INTERNETS JUST DIED ON ME!

Oh...I accidently flipped my wireless switch. D'oh! Anywho...

I'm a non-confrontational type of person. I prefer to avoid conflict, thus, I avoid bringing up highly-debatable topics. Admittedly, my brother and I will have ridiculous arguments until we're both blue in the face and I'll argue almost relentlessly with my mom, but even then I'm not discussing things like politics, religion, and the like. So far, I just generally go along with whatever my parents believe, and it's not particularly hard to float through life without having strong stances on issues. And, for the most part, I'm undecided, I've heard what my parents have to say, I've heard some of the other side too, but rarely enough to make a decision I feel strongly for. Argument, and debate, often seems pointless to me. I've been around during debates of issues, and neither side is willing to back down, so why bother? Eventually, it usually degenerates to the point where each side's argument gets more and more ridiculous. However, most of the arguments I've been present for have been between high schoolers, so that might explain a thing or two.

Nevertheless, after one semester of college, in which I hope I may have gained some maturity, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that it might not be such a bad idea to refine and formulate my opinions to the point where I could argue them with someone else. I'm losing some of my reluctance towards the idea of debating issues. I still prefer to listen, and rarely if ever add my opinions. And it'll be a long time before I ever am comfortable holding a position different from my parents and debating that with them. The influence of authority that they hold is far too strong for me to feel comfortable going up against that.

But even so, maybe this is a sign of more maturity? I've spent a semester in college finding out how immature I really am, but that doesn't mean I haven't gotten anything else out of it other than 3 A's, a B and a C for grades.

There's a lot to be said also for "just doing" things. So many opportunities are missed, I think, because we tend to operate within very narrow confines of what we think is acceptable in society. We have an idea but then we think, "no one will ever go for that." And then someone, somewhere else, has the confidence to go for it and see where it takes them, and they end up somewhere good. And then we hear about their success and think, "I wish I would've done that when I thought of it." Of course, for every success story, I'm sure there are many more failures, but in many cases I'm sure the people still got something out of it.

In other words, I need to stop sitting on my ass in front of the computer thinking about all the things I want or should do, and get out there and do them! I'm going to start with going out to feed animals.

I give up. Honestly, I just give up...on life, or something. I don't know. Really, I don't. It's bothering me, it's be eating away at me for awhile, and I still don't know. I have a hard time even composing my thoughts about this.

The caffeine has me jittery right now too, so that's making it hard to type. >.<

But... I don't know. Seems to be my default answer for things these days. I'm sick of it, I can't stand it. Not knowing, that is. Recently I've come to realize just how impatient I am. I thought I'd developed some sense of patience over my 18 years of living, but maybe not. Or maybe it only extends to my artwork, and I'm not always patient with that either.

Okay, yeah, religion. I was raised basically as a fundamentalist Christian.
But. Good. Lordy. I. Just. Don't. Know. Right. Now. If I really believe it or not. Because... I have a hard time believing in either - a universe with a god and a universe without one. Something deep down inside of me refuses to let go of it, and my thoughts are primarily shaped based on a belief system that includes a god, specifically the God of Christianity. In no way can I just throw that away, nor do I think I should.

I've prayed the prayer of salvation many times. Immediately afterwards, I thought I was saved. But then doubts creep in... and then I don't know. I don't "feel" any different - but should I really expect that? It'd be nice if things were that easy and I would be suddenly flooded with knowledge and understanding of things, but... I wasn't. And I doubt that's the way things really go, or probably should go. But to be able to say I have a personal relationship with God...I have to feel something, right? Right? Feel like I'm being heard, that somehow I'm getting answers...

But then again, I have a hard time making certain things work in my mind, so that I can agree with them. Am I rebellious? Maybe. Okay, for starters, the Bible. Christianity, and the type of fundamental Christianity I associate leads me to believe that the Bible is the holy, written word of God, and is infallible. And that, as a good Christian, I should read my Bible every day. But why? Once you've read a book through (not to say that I've read the whole Bible) should you continue to read and reread it? And then base all your decisions on that one book...there's just something that I don't like about it. I'm having a hard time articulating it. It's something like... what do our individual thoughts and ideas matter then, if we're always going to go back to the Bible and say it said this here?

I've heard sin described as "anything we do that isn't what God wants us to do." This is extended to mean that say, God wanted me to go to Eau Claire, but because I wasn't reading my Bible and praying and maintaining a close relationship with Him, I went to the Twin Cities instead, that would still be sin. I'm sorry, the example may not be the best way of putting it, but that's how I've had it described to me. There's nothing sinful about driving to either Eau Claire or the Twin Cities, but because it wasn't what God wanted, it's sin. To me, however, it seems like such tight control. If I'm supposed to let God micromanage my life, what is the point of having free will? Except to make my life harder by giving me the ability to sin. Yet, at the same time, I'm sure many Christians would disagree with this view of sin. Although, I hear people that I respect in my church talk about how they still battle with sin, and have to pray for forgiveness every day. Is there something I'm missing, that they can do so many things wrong? I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or close to sinless by any Christian standard, but... I don't feel like I need to beg for forgiveness that often. I don't feel the presence of sin in my life to that extent, am I missing something here?

And also, God created us for his enjoyment, pleasure, satisfaction, however you want to say it. Often I hear the reasoning that because of this is why we should obey God. Okay. My initial, selfish reaction is "what about my happiness?" but truthfully, I need to get beyond that. Yet...still, I watched this video in church over the summer. Basically, excerpts from preachers with the words displayed in the screen for clarity, and background music to make it sound all grand and everything. To be honest, it was pretty impressive, might I even say moving for just being sound with white letters on a black background. And yet... what I gathered from it was a feeling of nothingness. I am NOTHING compared to God, therefore, nothing I feel, think, or say matters, except for doing His will to spread his glory. It makes me feel like crap. Furthermore, it almost portrays to me a selfish God. It's all about Him and I am nothing except a pawn to bring him glory, or something like that.

That's probably the first thing that sparked my recent reconsideration of my faith. I haven't been in this much indecision about Christianity since middle school, and this time it's much worse. In middle school they were taboo thoughts that I hardly dared to consider, except maybe to secretly rebel against my parents because I was going through that sulky, cranky teen stage. Well...I'm sort of back to that stage again, since my mom and I have practically been at each others throats since I returned from college. At the same time, if Christianity is truth, it should stand up against scrutiny. In some ways, that's another part of it that shows up sometimes that I hate, that any thoughts otherwise are considered immediately sinful and they must be squashed, while I believe that anything that's worth believing must stand up under intense scrutiny, and if we don't allow anyone to question it, we're doing our faith an injustice. Questioning is good, it allows us to truly figure out what we believe and why. At the same time, it opens up the possibility of coming to the wrong conclusion.

I need a reason to believe the Bible, and it has to be better than "because it is the infallible Word of God, and we know that because it says so." Another reason I've heard are because it's old, and therefore more trustworthy than recent ideas. Both are obviously flawed.

That's only what I can immediately think of now, but I know there's more. On the other hand however, life seems so meaningless without a god and an afterlife. What reason do we have to exist other than to reproduce, so future generations can exist? It's that age-old question again: What is the meaning of life? In this case all I can think of is that we simply need to make the best of what we have to try and be happy. But it still seems bleak and meaningless.

I'm going to die, and at the end of that, there will be nothing. All comes down to nothingness in the end. In fact, it seems inevitable to me that eventually the human species will die out. If time is infinite, and I'm fully inclined to believe that it is, it's quite likely that another species, very much like ourselves, will evolve, maybe even on this same Earth. I can see evolution being possible. With an infinite amount of time, it's possible to for things here to repeat many times, maybe even exactly as they've happened once before.

But still, nothingness. It seems so pointless, like there's nothing to live for. And, if, say, I'm wrong about it, then I have an afterlife to face. Hell, maybe. Even as a Christian I don't believe in the hell of an eternity of fire and damnation, but at the very least, a missed chance for a better glory. (There is evidence in the Bible towards a "second chance" for everyone who did not accept Christ in this life.) And I've heard of evidence out there to support the existence of God. But in their own ways, both truths seem equally inconceivable to me at this point in time.

And it's so frustrating! I was discussing some stuff with Mom earlier and the conversation led to what the Bible says, etc. And I can't tell her that I'm reconsidering all my views...I just can't! I'm not comfortable talking about that with her. In fact, I'm really not comfortable discussing this with anyone. Except for Serp. He's the only person that I've been able to discuss this with him. And probably not the best person to be discussing it with. He's not Christian, but was recently, and in some ways there's conflict of interests involved. At least, I should discuss it with other people too, but there's no one else I'm comfortable discussing it with. Including my boyfriend. In fact, I've been spending an awful lot of time talking to Serp lately. Mainly bitching about being home and how confused I am right now. Honestly, I'm grateful to him for listening and trying to give me advice. Bad thing is, I'm spending so much more time talking to him instead of my boyfriend... However, we've kind of discussed that too, and I really don't feel like posting more about it at the moment.

But this has been eating away at me for awhile. One thing Serp did say to me: "If you're not going to be Christian, don't pretend you are one. If you are going to be a Christian, be a good one."

He has a very valid point. It brings up something else, how even if I do believe in God, etc. I don't want to have to follow the rules. I like the freedom of being able to swear, and do other things without associating it with sin. Maybe I really do lack maturity, or something.

I'm stuck at a crossroads. I've been thinking about it, and I'm considering trying to read the whole Bible through. Then I can have a better idea of exactly what it says, to better make my judgment. I'm a smart person, I should be able to figure things out. Blogging this helps me to sort my thoughts out somewhat, in many ways I have no idea how to go about considering this. I doubt many people will read this, if anyone, but I'm hoping someone might who would post something insightful.

Either way, first rant for my new blog. I've blogged occasionally in the past, but that was a while ago. I've got plenty of time over break, and stuff to rant about too, so probably expect more.