more people should read my blog, or something. as it is, serp's the only one who i know reads it, and i'm not even sure if he still does. right now it's more of a place for me to make my musings and my miseries public without them actually being public, kind of a pathetic middle ground between keeping everything to myself and being an attention whore. i worry sometimes that i'm being kind of an attention whore, and wanting people to feel bad for me.

i can't stand this, i can't stand it. i want to kill it, i want to smother it, these feelings that make me so miserable, but when i do that all i have left is this empty sort of dead feeling, and that's far worse than being miserable, than crying because i want him and he doesn't want me, when i stand there and something at the core of me just sinks so deep and everything seems so pointless, so pointless. at those times i don't want to care at all, to be happy without him, but if i smother that then i feel dead, and it's worse.

people go through breakups all the time, right? my world's not ending, i'll get over him, i'll move on, yeah?

there's nothing to make me believe i'll ever find someone i like better. it's definitely possible, there's billions of people in the world, i'm surrounded by people every day, should be able to find someone, yeah? if not by destiny then by chance, yeah?

if i could go back to a year ago, without any of my memories now, would i redo it all or would things happen differently? am i only the product of my genes, my memories, my environment, my experiences, everything destined to happen the same as it did, or would i do things differently? i almost thought, a few times, before going out with zake, that really, i should reconsider things, serp seemed like he might be the better of the two, i thought so many times that i should call josh and break up with him damnit, maybe i would done things differently, done them better. is freewill what we imagine it is, or are we all just playing some cosmic game of dice, tossing the dice and seeing where they land, deluding ourselves into believing that this randomness is some sort of freewill. what the heck is freewill anyway?

i can never seem to decide things. a flaw on my part, i know. but i look at things and i think, well, makes sense this way, has some flaws though, oh look, makes sense that way, that has some flaws too. maybe all anyone does is toss the dice, see where they land and adopt that position, believing it somehow to be right. truth, what's truth? serp has a passion for truth. what is it, where can we find it? how can we? won't we, in a thousand or so years, be looked back upon as those silly primitive individuals who were so deluded, like we scoff at the ancients who believed in alchemy and that there were four elements of earth, air, wind and fire? does a quest for truth only lead down convuluted paths of illusions and delusions and judgement clouded by our experiences? seems wrong to say that one would ever be able to know all there is to know. to be able to know absolute truth and all of it, seems like there will always be more to discover, because what do you do when you've discovered it all? do you become gods? but if there is always more truth to discover, either it's all relative which seems bullshit to me, or we're just caught in a web delusion that our minds weave for ourselves and we can never really know anything. and those people in a few thousand years will think they're so right and we were so wrong, and a few thousand years later they'll be looked upon the same way.

so what do we have left? what can i believe? i can't live in this doubt like this, you can't live doubting everything, you have to start from somewhere, otherwise it's just ultimately pointless. i want so desperately to believe that there's a god, the christian god and for the most selfish of reasons. i want to know that i'm going to live in heaven for an eternity when i die, i want to know that i have a loving father who's perfect and who'll watch over me and guide my life if only i trust him, to have a book in front of me that i can say was written by god, a book that i can say contains absolute truth and believe in it, but so far i haven't found a satisfactory reason to believe so. not now, not before when i was a far better christian, when i prayed and prayed and prayed that prayer over and over again, never really believing that i was saved, never able to trust myself that i had really accepted it. because i couldn't, i wanted to believe but i just can't, there has to be something that makes it obvious to me. and i'm so afraid that i'm wrong and that i'm missing something and i'll be wrong and more immediate than a fear of hell is putting my parents through all this if i'm just wrong about it all.

but without that faith i'm all alone and it all seems kinda pointless right now, and i'm so depressed. *shrug*