forgiveness isn't hard to come by. i've always been able to give it out pretty easily. but those things that are just given out easily don't really mean that much, do they. it's still nice, it's still nice like getting a blue ribbon at the county fair but it doesn't mean that much because half the classes are danish judged so getting a blue ribbon isn't that hard at all anyway. so far i've managed to float by on nice little bubble of content because while things could maybe be better, maybe i could be striving for something more meaningful, there's still a lot of people who are worse off than me, still a lot of people who a far worse human beings than i am. not even that hard to be "better than most" i suppose. that blue ribbon is still better than most but wasn't that hard to come by so it doesn't mean that much. but when you're like that it doesn't seem so bad if you slip up, just like if one time you get a red or maybe don't even place, doesn't matter as much because you've got all those other blue's to make up for it.

but they don't really.

and maybe i can strive for something more.

i think i might've had a glimpse of something better.

maybe, i'm not sure.

i'm really not sure about anything right now except how i hurt and have hurt others and that road only leads to self pity so it's not much help at all.

and this really isn't just to meant to refer to him but as far as that area goes, if this chance has been ruined do i really want to strive for that something better because then it's just going to be so much harder to find anything at all.

fuck.