it hit me last night. he was glancing through his old blogs and i remembered reading them, and reading the ones about what he wanted in a girl, and that sort of specialness he was looking for... and i remembered the me that had wanted a lot of that too, and the me that, while she would've liked to have a boyfriend, was actually kind of proud of the fact that she had never kissed a guy, never dated anyone. still had all of herself to give if someone really special ever came along.

and it only took a year and now that's all gone. for both of us.

i can't ever have it back.

and i feel like i've lost myself and i don't know what i want, and i'm scrabbling in the dark, reaching out for something solid, something that i can say is me and be sure of it, but what i'm finding is hard and covered with sharp spikes of regret and sadness and lonliness and fear, and i don't know if it's really me or not, but it's the only thing i can find, so i'm clutching it and pulling it close to me even though it's painful, because without it i'm completely lost and i have nothing.